Women are going to “like, SO” bore the complete fuck out you by next April, or perhaps even before, in an attempt to tell you and everyone else their opinion on Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal wedding.
Thanks to a pre-emptive strike by (let’s face it, the female contingency of) the world’s whoreish media, normal people are “set to lose their motherfucking minds” by the time the Prince William finally marries commoner Kate Middleton next April.
Men everywhere are going into hiding.
Those employed in media commentary for magazines and “sleb” TV shows are also set to annoy you, as they tell you things you will be able to figure out for yourself, like “Like, Kate is SO wearing that dress.”
Opinion from the public is split, with half of us already bored by the mindless media coverage of the so-far non-wedding. Ex-clergyman, Pete Broadbent from Willesden said “I’m leaving this God-forsaken place until it’s all over. Not the marriage, haha, I give that seven years or so, I just mean the wedding.”
Other members of the public are looking forward to revelling the pomp and ceremony of it all, as well as the Papparazzo’s overdue attempts to get an “upskirt” shot of Ms Middleton, our future Queen, just like they did to Diana.
We interviewed Barbara Joyce, a devoted Royal follower since 1981 (surprise, surprise) while she was rifling through this week’s “Hello!” special, who said: “omg, OMG, OH-MYYYY-GODDD, I haven’t had a Diana in AGES! This bitch is mine! LOOK AT HER!! Yesss!”
Meanwhile, notable individuals from the talentless shitpool of celebritydom have been desperately trying to blag a ticket for the regal vows. Security around Prince Harry has also been intensified ahead of the ceremony, after it was revealed that Vanessa Feltz threatened to eat the younger Prince if she wasn’t invited.
The hefty flabster said on her blog: “Mmmmllleuuurrrrrr *with that “I look down on you” pug-face she has, if that fat prick Elton can blag a ticket, then I should be invited too. What, just cos he sang at that skinny bitch’s funeral?! Give me a breakaway!”
SCat threesome, the 3am girls are also said to be “firmly advised to stay away” after it was revealed they offered “toilet services” to senior figures at Clarence House in return for a ticket each. Their final attempt to pass off what they do as work was followed by a tweet that said “Fine! We’ll bitch about Kate’s cankles instead. We’ll Google some choice insults and pass them off as our own.”