Lockdown has taken its toll on one man so much, he’d really appreciate being in the shittest pub with the type of people he hates more than anything, it was confirmed last night.
Furloughed Wayne Hayes, 36, commented “I’d take any shit pub right now and have a ball. Literally, imagine the most depressing hovel with a patch of concrete for a ‘beer garden’ with England flags everywhere. Now imagine you’re surrounded by the loudest, most obnoxious knobheads having the time of their lives. Before covid that was my nightmare, but now… My god, it’d be the bestest day, like, ever.”
The probably former call centre worker said he would “even consider drinking in spoons at 7.30 with Brexiters letting out their first farts of the day” he’s that hard up about lockdown, but added “Actually maybe things aren’t that bad. Yet.”
“Seriously though, there’s only so many walks and bike rides you can do. Anything just to not have to do another Joe fucking Wicks workout.”
The Shatire 