Because it's all a bit shit, really
AN OUT OF HIS DEPTH Marketing Manager is now just blurting out buzzwords where coherent sentences with basic meaning should be, his colleagues have revealed. 46 year old Wayne Hayes has been babbling on about blockchain and bitcoin in an attempt to discuss “where things are going” in the industry in the hope someone might […]
Read More STRUGGLING MARKETING COLLEAGUE NOW JUST SAYING BUZZWORDSThe British TV viewing public have welcomed news that TV political fantasy-drama “Brexit” has been granted a fourth season with a collective sigh of indifference. The news comes after series Director Boris Johnson pitched a now greenlighted script to EU Studio execs to wrap up the saga once and for all, following an underwhelming season […]
Read More TV FANTASY BREXIT RENEWED FOR ANOTHER SEASON FOLLOWING “PREDICTABLE” SEASON 3 FINALEAn unreasonable twitter gobshite has blocked someone who has a different opinion, it has been revealed. Prolific bringer of drama and no-filter knobhead went on a mini Twitter tirade to his followers bragging about how he “shut down a troll” after a brief exchange where his blatant bullshit was brought under question. Life’s terminal victim, […]
Read More Twitter knobhead claiming moral high ground by blocking anyone who questions their bullshitAN ANXIOUS LOOKING Brexiter is still insisting the outcome is “still worth it”, despite having paid for some Euros for an upcoming trip to Benidorm, it has been revealed. Ray Dawkins, 62, has explained away his distinct lack of spending money as “just a phase”, offering: “These things fluctuate, so it’ll bounce back. We’re not […]
Read More BREXITER COUNTING HIS HOLIDAY MONEY STILL PRETENDING EVERYTHING’S FINEPEOPLE ARE OVER THE MOON about the Government’s plan to dispense the food stockpiles necessary for a no-deal Brexit with blue ration books to match the blue passports we didn’t ask for, it has been revealed. The news comes after the Government confirmed that food, medicine and blood stockpiles will be gathered to cope with […]
Read More PUBLIC EUPHORIA AS BREXIT MINISTERS CONFIRM BLUE RATION BOOKSA WORKSHY BULLSHITTER who shares motivational content on LinkedIn in order to give off an image of being a remotely positive example to anyone is practising absolutely nothing about what he preachesa cursory glance at his life has revealed. After sharing a video from actor Will Smith on self-discipline, Recruitment Consultant, Wayne Hayes, 33, who […]
Read More MAN WHO PUTS MOTIVATIONAL BULLSHIT ON LINKEDIN PRACTISING NONE OF ITProfiteering cosmetics brand, MAC, copied needlessly unfashionable clothing brand Burberry, by setting fire to £28m worth of stock to stop their products being bought by dickheads and girls who pretend their parents haven’t bought it for them, it has been revealed. The drastic measures come after Burberry burned £28 million pounds worth of out-of-season clothes […]
Read More MAC burns £28 MILLION worth of cosmetics to save brand from Instagram wankersThe Conservative Party is to go “fully-autonomous” by the year 2021, a leaked report from the Treasury confirms. Details from the leaked report outline how a proposed £75 million investment in futuristic ‘Tor-E SleazeBots’ will mean that the party can dispense with having any sense of direction whatsoever. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, was […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Driverless Conservative Party by 2021, Chancellor ConfirmsThe world has told Britain to turn itself off and on again, and maybe do a system restore back to any date in 2012 in order to solve it’s processing power issues, it has been revealed. The advice comes after the second millionth deliberate cluster-fuck by several manchildren who’ve been elected to be the ones […]
Read More Turn it all off and then on again, Britain toldSerial romancer of inappropriate life partners, Cheryl Cole, has announced she it to split from her habit of picking totally the wrong guy, following her breakup from former popstar wanker boyfriend, Liam Payne. The couple had been rumoured to split, following a few years of Liam’s fuckboy antics. The former One Direction “singer” has been […]
Read More CHERYL COLE ANNOUNCES SPLIT FROM BAD RELATIONSHIP DECISIONSINEFFECTIVE LONDON MAYOR Sadiq Khan, has vowed to end London’s knife crime problem by avoiding it completely and focusing on fast food adverts on the tube which nobody pays attention to anyway, it has been confirmed. In his latest set of weird and unnecessary ways to tackle problems which aren’t his to fix, the workshy […]
Read More Knife crime better than fat Londoners, says Sadiq KhanAWFUL PARENTS have have been told that having a “graduation ceremony” for three year olds who can’t form coherent sentences isn’t an achievement, nor something anyone should be celebrating, reports confirm. Mother of three, Becky Dinting, 31, has confirmed how she has been coping with the bombshell that teaching her child to celebrate “graduating” from […]
Read More Graduating from nursery isn’t a f*****g thing, parents toldA WASTE OF SPACE new office worker who got her job because of her father’s friendship with the Managing Director will have the total respect from every one of her colleagues who’ve actually worked to get where they are, it has been revealed. Social Media Executive and 23 year-old child, Becky Dinting, landed her new […]
Read More New Girl Who Got Her Job Because Her Dad Knows the MD to be Totally Taken SeriouslyA COMPLETE MESS of a single mother who routinely goes nuclear on Facebook is definitely not an emotionally unhinged nightmare and is a total catch, actually – it has been revealed. After posting to Facebook yesterday at 11:45 pm, mother of three and nailed-on lunatic, Becky Dinting, announced: “That’s it, lying scumbags and there latest […]
Read More BREAKING: Facebook Meltdown Mum Definitely a Total CatchBritain’s schools have refused to apologise for depicting the parents of Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes as a spoiled brats who are probably ferried to school in a fucking Range Rover, it has been revealed. Primary school teacher and school nativity “director”, Becky Dinting, 31, said: “Every year we cast the saviour of mankind’s […]
Read More Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little ShitsLYING adults are still referring to a hideous newborn as “cute” and other similarly deceptive pleasantries, despite everyone having functioning eyes which tell them otherwise, reports confirm. Proud Mother Becky Dinting, 26, gushed: “Awww, Isn’t she beautiful? Everyone always says how gorgeous she is, the little charmer.” Two-faced Janette Lawton, best friend of the baby’s mother, commented: “I say she’s gorgeous on all her […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Ugly Baby Still Referred to as “Cute” Despite the ObviousThis year’s John Lewis’s Christmas TV advert will will feature a family that has a better Christmas than you by avoiding John Lewis altogether, it has been revealed. The formulaic 60 seconds features a run-of-the-mill family going about their Christmas without paying over the odds for an Acer laptop, just so they can avoid remarking […]
Read More 2018 John Lewis Christmas TV ad to feature family blissfully avoiding John LewisA piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed. Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prickA know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed. Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about lifeTWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed. Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do nextA POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed. Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and […]
Read More Stranger in the office pretending to know everyoneTHAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed. Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in. He […]
Read More Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dickGrown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed. The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything […]
Read More People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study findsPeople who only ever go on holiday to Benidorm have made it harder for you to go there, even though you’d rather kill yourself, it has emerged. The love for all day breakfasts with chips served by Spanish English pubs, has won out in a vote to remain or leave the European Union. The “no foreign muck” campaign declared a marginal […]
Read More BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plansBunnyboiling singer, Adele, has been commended for stopping one of her performances in order to tell her fans to stop enjoying her music and “join the real world”, it has been revealed. The impassioned intervention was filmed by dozens of bored “fans” as the obsessive chanteuse spotted someone in the crowd paying attention. Adele commented: “Look, I just want to say that I’m here in real […]
Read More Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her musicA shady sounding ‘internet marketing guru’ has promised to get your company’s website “to number one on Google” with vaguely worded services during a cold call, it has been revealed. Maverick SEO expert, Nathan Dobson, 34, explained how he couldn’t reveal his ‘complicated’ methods, nor any ‘protected’ clients, but steadfastly promised: “You’ll very quickly have better page rank than your competitors” before asking “so what is it your […]
Read More Unconvincing SEO expert to “get you to the top” of GoogleAn untrustworthy woman has been awkwardly passing off a mild addiction to Tinder as “just a laugh”, despite being in a committed relationship with another human being, it has been revealed. Married Janet Hayes, 34, insists no harm can come from her using the app, commenting: “It’s fine if nobody’s getting hurt, and he doesn’t actually see me do it.” The awful female said that she just wanted […]
Read More Married Tinder woman’s “just a laugh” claims wearing thinThe burger-like food popular with hipsters and other smug, pulled-anything loving dickheads, normally passed off as “sliders” are actually just mini burgers, it turns out. Flat white drinking Nathan Dobson, 28, defended his love of ‘sliders’, insisting that miniature burgers are ‘actually something else’. The massive pop-up twat said: “I don’t know what a miniature burger is ,but I […]
Read More “Slider” loving hipsters just eating mini-burgers, it turns outDickhead Mothers who want “gender-neutrality” for their kids are achieving national coverage for overreacting to things everyone else barely even notices, it has been revealed. These entirely trivial things, which “threaten and oppress” their special fucking children, are also symptoms of our crumbling society, claims middle class MummyBlogger, Jane Robertson. After recently making the schock discovery that the colour blue is most […]
Read More Everything “harming our children” say awful middle class MothersAn irritable office prick is selfishly hogging the staff microwave, despite other colleagues needing it before lunchtime ends, it has emerged. Unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Dobson, has been using the microwave for eight minutes already, and has just put in his second dish for “another few minutes.” Having used his trademark tactic of leaving for lunch three minutes […]
Read More Annoying colleague still using the bloody microwaveAn overconfident graduate “will absolutely smash” his first stage interview for a manager’s job which is probably out of his reach, it has been revealed. Articulate gobshite, Nathan Bobson, 23, has spoken of his second stage being “just a formality”, thanks to his 2:1 degree in business studies and private schooling. The entitled little wanker […]
Read More Cocky little prick to “absolutely smash” interviewMulti-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has told epic pop twat and new age beggar, Kanye West that he doesn’t have any spare change on him at this time, it has been revealed. Replying to a plea for a billion dollars in investment into “projects”, the considerably richer than you internet baron emphasised his lack of available currency with a regretful […]
Read More “Sorry mate, I’ve got no change on me” Zuckerberg tells KanyeA piece of shit Recruitment Consultant has pledged to definitely call an interview candidate “either way”, despite intending not to, it has emerged. Professional dickend and permanent recruiter, Adam Richards, 28, made the empty promise after a third stage interview, telling the candidate: “I haven’t heard back yet, so I’m sure they’re still just making their minds […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Recruitment consultant to ”definitely call” unsuccessful candidateA newlywed couple have spoken of their surprise at the intense hatred their awful smugness has provoked among family and friends. Upon returning from their second honeymoon, newlyweds James and Leanne Brubaker have terrorised friends and family on social media, heavily promoting their recent nuptials with re-styled wedding photos and bitesized marriage advice in the form of hasthtags. Defending her online conduct, a proud-to-be Mrs Brubaker […]
Read More Smug newlyweds surprised at hatredAn out-of-his-depth Sales Director is certain his speech about the iPhone will inspire greatness at his company, resulting in a wave of innovation amongst colleagues and maybe even sex with the attractive new marketing girl. 52 Year old Ray Dawkins delivered the impassioned monologue after taking the “maverick” decision to replace Monday’s usual sales meeting […]
Read More Company Director convinced of greatness with contrived iPhone analogyUnpopular Sales Manager, Nathan Bobson, 38, has insisted that Facebook and Linked are exactly where photos of food and of his children should go, stating the two platforms “work in tandem.” The prolific nonsense poster said: “Occasionally some people, though never recruitment consultants, strangely enough, get a bit uptight when I post puzzles, like ‘how many squares do you see?‘ or photos of […]
Read More Facebook and LinkedIn “basically the same”, insists roundly hated little prickIbiza holiday home-owning plastic socialist, Labour MP, Chuka Umunna has today launched his bowler hat into the ring to become the party’s Leader, with the hope the party “will reclaim its role as the party of ordinary working riff raff.” In a statement to Sky News, the Labour MP for Streatham and cliquey London nightspots, […]
Read More BREAKING: Chuka Umunna to make Labour the “party of the Riff Raff”Argos has angered well-off northeners by closing down all of its newly acquired Habitat stores that are situated outside of London, stating that the chains’ modern ranges are “wasted” on the unwashed. Having clubbed together to buy premium furniture retailer Habitat this week, the catalogue store will “strategically” shut down stores that just happen to […]
Read More Nice furniture “wasted” on northeners, say ArgosPresident Obama has killed the top level “Boss” on Call of Duty, after a two year session playing the game online with senior staff. Obama, whose username is “motherfuckernumber1” eventually slayed Bin Laden after an eleventh hour skirmish left the president with just a stun grenade, a knife and 20% health. The recent stint followed […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Obama completes “tricky” computer game.