Grown woman capable of life before children


An educated woman of childbearing age is having something called ‘a life’ before making the life-defining choice to have children, it has been revealed.

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The shock revelation came after childless Finance Manager, Becky Dinting, 30, was questioned for the hundredth time this week on the prospect of bringing children into the world.

She explained: “My friends are all like ‘oh, you’re 30, don’t you like, want kids?’, but who are all these baby-obsessed women time travelling in from the 1970s?”

“It’s not as I’m leaving it late, even Janet fucking Jackson got preggers at 50. As if these bitches don’t read Heat magazine – I know they’ve got the time. Unlike me, obviously!” 

“Also, and I must confess, I just haven’t the heart to tell them how ugly some of their babies are. So yes, they’re not exactly selling the parenthood dream.”

“I’m sure they mean well.”

Best non-Uni friend and mother of four, Charlotte Hall, 28, said: “Becky’s probably worried she isn’t the maternal kind, but I just want her to be happy like me and Colin are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a job as a seamstress or whatever she does is good and all, but what else do you do for attention?”

“Maybe she’s a lesbian or something? I don’t know.”

A defiantly fertile Dinting, concluded: “I really love my life. Besides, do you think any of these women can casually spunk a couple of hundred quid on a new bag without having to bribe the likes of “Colin dadbod” with the saddest BJ in Britain?”

“Imagine women dying for the right to work and THAT being your life.”

A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”


A-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed.

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The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest.

Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though I only do this once a year, well, twice if you count GCSE results, this change is long overdue. Rather than hide in the shadows with unaccredited photos of lovely young girls, we can now be proud of the creepy old bastards we are.”

The rapey-vibed codger explained: “Gawping at nubile young females squeaking at each other as they open their results is one of life’s hidden pleasures, everyone knows that. Sometimes they wear crop tops and embrace each other. They don’t even know they’re doing it.”

A-level Results 12“If you’re lucky they’ll have a hot milfy teacher or mum who will join in.”

Explaining what life was like when it was all about the pupils, Mr Dawson commented: “Of course we do have to even things out by taking photos of the boys, but I just grab anyone I can. They get a small montage down the bottom of the page once we go to print. Can’t be seen to be too obvious.”

Turning back to the pupils in order to take more photos, a dedicated looking Mr Dawson could be heard instructing: “Okay, big smiles …just lovely. Again? OK, hold up your exam papers? No, away from your front. Away. Up in the air?”

“…marvellous.”

International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob


A complete dickend of a man has responded to International Women’s Day by sarcastically asking “so when’s international men’s day then?”, despite knowingly being both human and male.
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Pedantic sales manager, Nathan Dobson, cited “reverse sexism” and “double standards” as contributing factors that women, who make up half of our species, have been unfairly entitled to a whole day to celebrate overcoming men.

The lazy dickwad also joked: “The Sufragette movement wouldn’t have happened if those women would have known their place – in the kitchen.”

“Seriously though, it’s because of all these feminazis who deny men a fair say and we’re all rapists and opressors if we say anything. I mean, when is it even international men’s day?”

Colleague, Becky Dinting, who overheard his tiresome bullshit, shot back: “It’s November 19th, you fucking moron. And because of pigs like you, every other day as well.”

“Except for Valentine’s Day. Obviously, lol.”

BREAKING NEWS: Women to wear out the words “like, so” for Royal Wedding


Women are going to “like, SO” bore the complete fuck out you by next April, or perhaps even before, in an attempt to tell you and everyone else their opinion on Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal wedding.

Thanks to a pre-emptive strike by (let’s face it, the female contingency of) the world’s whoreish media, normal people are “set to lose their motherfucking minds” by the time the Prince William finally marries commoner Kate Middleton next April.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Men everywhere are going into hiding.

Those employed in media commentary for magazines and “sleb” TV shows are also set to annoy you, as they tell you things you will be able to figure out for yourself, like “Like, Kate is SO wearing that dress.”

Opinion from the public is split, with half of us already bored by the mindless media coverage of the so-far non-wedding. Ex-clergyman, Pete Broadbent from Willesden said “I’m leaving this God-forsaken place until it’s all over. Not the marriage, haha, I give that seven years or so, I just mean the wedding.”

Other members of the public are looking forward to revelling the pomp and ceremony of it all, as well as the Papparazzo’s overdue attempts to get an “upskirt” shot of Ms Middleton, our future Queen, just like they did to Diana.

We interviewed Barbara Joyce, a devoted Royal follower since 1981 (surprise, surprise) while she was rifling through this week’s “Hello!” special, who said: “omg, OMG, OH-MYYYY-GODDD, I haven’t had a Diana in AGES! This bitch is mine! LOOK AT HER!! Yesss!”

Meanwhile, notable individuals from the talentless shitpool of celebritydom have been desperately trying to blag a ticket for the regal vows. Security around Prince Harry has also been intensified ahead of the ceremony, after it was revealed that Vanessa Feltz threatened to eat the younger Prince if she wasn’t invited.

The hefty flabster said on her blog:  “Mmmmllleuuurrrrrr *with that “I look down on you” pug-face she has, if that fat prick Elton can blag a ticket, then I should be invited too. What, just cos he sang at that skinny bitch’s funeral?! Give me a breakaway!”

SCat threesome, the 3am girls are also said to be “firmly advised to stay away” after it was revealed they offered “toilet services” to senior figures at Clarence House in return for a ticket each. Their final attempt to pass off what they do as work was followed by a tweet that said “Fine! We’ll bitch about Kate’s cankles instead. We’ll Google some choice insults and pass them off as our own.”

The 3AM Girls are also said to have offered their services to Clarence House in exchange for a ticket each. No bites yet.