BREAKING: Osborne warned by Thatcher “This is how they’ll feel about you, but fuck ’em!”

Milk-snatching cowbag, Baroness Thatcher, from her deathbead, instructed the ever-smug George Osborne to remain steadfast in his plans to screw the country over, telling him “they’ll hate you too, but that’s why we’re Tories”.


“Hay Satan… c’mere you old swine, yer!”

The ex-former PM was last night admitted to hospital her final stroke and, despite doctors desperate efforts to find a soul, the ageing old battleaxe finally carked it.

A “reluctant and nervy” looking Satan was seen stepping out of a car at St Bartholomew’s hospital to collect his new property. Rumoured to have been driven there personally by God, the Dark Lord asked for his item to be “double-bagged”.

It’s being reported that Osborne, who recently unveiled “character building” spending cuts for the vulnerable, was having second thoughts, and confided in the ailing Thatcher. The former milk-snatcher gave advice to the embattled Chancellor, by declaring “I didn’t do it for you to just piss it all away, George!”, which is said to have worked.

A Tory insider told us that the ConDem bid to take Britain back to the 1980’s, “when the small people knew their place and weren’t preoccupied with thing that don’t concern them, like education, or pensions” was almost complete.

Meanwhile, in internet land, twitter users have been urged “this is not a drill” by lefty groups., and the hashtag #RememberYourTraining is currently trending in Liverpool.

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Moyles refuses to play music altogether, bemoans diet live on air

That fat twat from Leeds, radio personality Chris Moyles has provoked the wrath of idiot BBC chiefs, blasting them for the diet they’ve put him on and has refused to play any music, whatsoever. 
Moyles complain rant live on air

Moyles: in the good old days

In a sensational outburst, the Radio1 “DJ” (a descriptor we’ll afford him in his hour of need) blasted his bosses for not feeding him “for two hours, now” and revealed that since his split from the woman lucky enough to get away from him, he had even been forced to steal from a starving African child. A BBC spokesman was sent out to Dominos, sharpish.

It was during the rant that the millions of dicks who still listen to him even noticed the lack of music that everyone else in Britain noticed about five years ago.

On the Radio1 website, one frightened listener commented: “I’m sure there is supposed to be something else that happens now. I mean why is nobody even mentioning Gary Barlow? What the fuck is going on?”  

The only Radio1 listener with a proportioned sense of perspective exacerbated Moyles’s hunger-pains when he said he was “so lucky” in these austere times, dontcher know, to be so well fed in the first place. An emotional Moyles frothed: “Fuck off, I’ve been forced to eat Tesco’s food over Waitrose’s and be catered for by my pompous friends – you know nothing about my life, you ignorant, averagely-paid prick!” 

A spokesman for anti-famine charity, Action Against Hunger has also come out against the BBC, stating that: “With all the despair and hunger people are enduring throughout the world, the fact that the BBC can make this pampered oaf to wait for a while really takes the piss, you know. I mean, I bet he’s even had to use his celebrity survivalist instincts and blag a free meal at Gordon Ramsay’s or something.” 

The similarly oppressed British Airways staff have also pledged their support for Moyles, and have launched a “Feed Moyles or we’ll strike” Facebook group within three minutes of the outburst.

BREAKING NEWS: George Michael wins court battle to bathe with naughty men

George Michael RulingProlific pot-head, George Michael has won a landmark court battle to spend eight weeks swathing in the man-cream of other convicted homosexuals who are just slightly less menacing than him.

The wantaway willyflasher has for years campaigned tirelessly for this landmark ruling, and even spent many late night evenings in his car protesting, freebasing – sometimes for weeks on end.

The Judge ruled that Michael, whose real name Theodore Faggy Popolopolopoulos, was: “Far too gay not to allow into the fun house” and hoped the ruling would help the former singer “learn the error of his ways.”

A delighted, yet defiant George Michael, on hearing the verdict at the Old Bailey, declared: “Fat fucking chance, yer honour!” before rolling up a ridiculously massive clebratory spliff.

This isn’t the first time Michael has had a to do with the authorities. In 1888, having left Wham!, a gogo group he formed with famous eunuch, Andrew Ridgeley, the cosiderably hefty singer was convicted for “turning” a los Angeles Policeman.

The ex-police official is now a really confused cock-sucking queen, who is stone, not sponge, by the way.

BREAKING NEWS: Ricky Hatton “distraught” over alleged boxing ‘career’

Ricky HattonFat alcoholic, cocaine-munching hamburger-rustler, Ricky Hatton, has come out and apologised unreservedly for being caught with a supposed career as a one-time world championship boxer, saying he is “distraught and distressed” about being considered as an athlete at any point during his worthless life.

In a sensational undercover video by The News of The World, the jabby chubster can clearly be seen in a boxing ring, fighting with an actual sportsman. Every fucker is dumbstruck.

Legendary PR twat, Max Clifford, who is consoling Hatton in his grey haired old man-boobs has leapt to Hatton’s defence, stating: “Yes, while the Ricky we all know and love is an arrogant arsehole of a man city fan, something we can sort of forgive him for, he is seeking counselling following his “career”. He’s come out and said he is deeply ashamed of avoiding a fight with Mayweather while he was in his twenties – and equally so for talking up the twelve or so ten-a-penny ruskies who ended up “fighting” him.

Clifford babbled on: “We aren’t even mad at him for personally sponsoring several illegal amateur boxing bouts in Manchester – which is a dangerous and completely stupid fucking idea – but these latest allegations will come as a shock to many people. Especially the thousands of ignorant thug-like fuckwits that somehow look up to him. …oh God, I’m the wrong fucking job, aren’t I? What have I done?!”

Joe Calzaghe dancingThe latest revelation about Ricky isn’t the only story to have blighted the boxing game; Exotic flamenco dancer and reality TV whore, Joe Calzaghe was this year also said to have been Welsh at some point in his life.

Nobody can remember that far back, but apparently it’s true. Despite his Welshness, Joe was even alleged to have been allowed to travel to America to do boxing – on TV.

Joe didn’t quite understand what was being put to him, but didn’t deny the Welshness thing. He did, however, refute reports of a stateside visit, declaring: “My life is right here, on BBC one. Why the fuck would I want to dance in America?!”

BREAKING NEWS: Rooney prostitute revealed as club-sanctioned ‘skank-ho’ of P-Diddy

Serial streetwalker (eurgh, sounds like an animal) banger, Wayne Rooney, who has come under fire for making his baby boy have sex with a prostitute, or something like that, was last night absolved of any wrongdoing by Sir Alex Ferguson.

The Manchester United boss revealed that the dirty thing in question actually belonged to pimp-rap-wannabe-icon, Diddy…or Puff Daddy, or Diddley or whatever he’s calling himself this week. The United team took time out from a sex session to pose for photos with Diddy (below), and Fergie spared no time in jumping to Rooney’s defence, declaring…

rooney prostitute “Ye hav te undershtand that in these teypes ef sitteyations, playersh git thi horn ahead of International dutey, so ye need a really good-ass ho, and that’s where Diddy comes in. Ahl onleh hav the very feinest skanky wee bitches fer mei team – and ye can print that!”

BREAKING NEWS: Robbie and Gary’s video “only gay” amidst sense of humour rumours

gary barlow robbie williams videoRobbie Williams last night lept to defend the video of his latest single, a duet with Gary Barlow called, something or other (we forget), and asked for calm, stating that the video wasn’t in fact “ironic, in an ironic way” and that the video was “only gay”. 

In a heartfelt press conference while on his way to getting papped while doing something menial, Robbie said: “What had been intended as a self-serving exercise in proving we’re still relevant had led some people to believe that we were making fun of ourselves, or being “ironically ironic”.

He went on to add “Since neither is the case, I can confirm that the video is just us two being two gay fags in, double-denim, giving each other the reach around. We don’t like each other, it was just sex and we both need a boost. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, really.”

See the sick fucking video here:

BREAKING NEWS: Ed Miliband Reveals HUGE Tongue

Ed Miliband reveals huge tongueFolowing months of speculation about the agendas of the Labour Party’s would-be leaders, Ed Miliband has revealed that he has a considerably bigger tongue than his brother and Labour leadership opponent, David.

In a speech directed at Unison and Labour Party members, Mr Miliband unnowingly spat towards the camera repeatedly, as he set out his vision for the United Kingdom under a David Milibandless Government, adding that David also has singificantly less-fluffy hair and is in fact shorter, adding: “SPleughhr bleuurr-prettier wife…gerblurba-NULABOUR…”

Andy Burnham upside down girly eyesDavid Miliband has declined to comment but in a defiant declaration, stated: “at least I don’t have upside down girly-eyes, like Andy”  in a reference to fellow Labour Leadership opponent, Andy Burnham.

For fear of being branded “racial”, all prospective Labour leaders have avioded mentioning ancient waxy-faced pimp of Michael portillo, and fellow X-Factor contestant, Dianne Abbot – who is black.