BREAKING: Osborne warned by Thatcher “This is how they’ll feel about you, but fuck ’em!”

Milk-snatching cowbag, Baroness Thatcher, from her deathbead, instructed the ever-smug George Osborne to remain steadfast in his plans to screw the country over, telling him “they’ll hate you too, but that’s why we’re Tories”. The ex-former PM was last night admitted to hospital her final stroke and, despite doctors desperate efforts to find a soul, the […]

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Moyles refuses to play music altogether, bemoans diet live on air

That fat twat from Leeds, radio personality Chris Moyles has provoked the wrath of idiot BBC chiefs, blasting them for the diet they’ve put him on and has refused to play any music, whatsoever. In a sensational outburst, the Radio1 “DJ” (a descriptor we’ll afford him in his hour of need) blasted his bosses for not feeding him “for two hours, now” and revealed […]

BREAKING NEWS: George Michael wins court battle to bathe with naughty men

Prolific pot-head, George Michael has won a landmark court battle to spend eight weeks swathing in the man-cream of other convicted homosexuals who are just slightly less menacing than him. The wantaway willyflasher has for years campaigned tirelessly for this landmark ruling, and even spent many late night evenings in his car protesting, freebasing – […]

BREAKING NEWS: Ricky Hatton “distraught” over alleged boxing ‘career’

Fat alcoholic burger-binger, Ricky Hatton, has apologised for being caught with a supposed career as a one-time world championship boxer, saying he’s “distraught and distressed” for being considered an athlete at any point during his worthless life.

BREAKING NEWS: Rooney prostitute revealed as club-sanctioned ‘skank-ho’ of P-Diddy

Serial streetwalker (eurgh, sounds like an animal) banger, Wayne Rooney, who has come under fire for making his baby boy have sex with a prostitute, or something like that, was last night absolved of any wrongdoing by Sir Alex Ferguson. The Manchester United boss revealed that the dirty thing in question actually belonged to pimp-rap-wannabe-icon, Diddy…or Puff Daddy, or Diddley […]

BREAKING NEWS: Robbie and Gary’s video “only gay” amidst sense of humour rumours

Robbie Williams last night lept to defend the video of his latest single, a duet with Gary Barlow called, something or other (we forget), and asked for calm, stating that the video wasn’t in fact “ironic, in an ironic way” and that the video was “only gay”. In a heartfelt press conference while on his way to […]

BREAKING NEWS: Ed Miliband Reveals HUGE Tongue

Folowing months of speculation about the agendas of the Labour Party’s would-be leaders, Ed Miliband has revealed that he has a considerably bigger tongue than his brother and Labour leadership opponent, David. In a speech directed at Unison and Labour Party members, Mr Miliband unnowingly spat towards the camera repeatedly, as he set out his vision for the United Kingdom under […]