Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little Shits


Britain’s schools have refused to apologise for depicting the parents of Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes as a spoiled brats who are probably ferried to school in a fucking Range Rover, it has been revealed.

greggs, sorry, baby jesus, sausage roll, nativity

Primary school teacher and school nativity “director”, Becky Dinting, 31, said: “Every year we cast the saviour of mankind’s parents ‘this year’s monsters’, if we’re being honest about it. Joseph is normally some long haired boy with a ‘quirky’ name, because of course, whose pushy Mum sends out gift lists to other parents before her kid’s birthday party. I won’t have to talk to her, will I?”

Beaming mother, Janet Hayes, 29, said of her son’s casting: “Honestly I envy other parents whose children aren’t as talented – practicing his lines has really cut into his snowboarding classes. He said he just wanted to be a sheperd “to look after all the sheep”, but I’ve told him he’s capable of so much more. Alright Hugo, come in and practice your lines with Mummy now.”

“But don’t you want to do it for Mummy?”

Miss Hayes wouldn’t be drawn on whether the practice would continue, and only added: “You do realise it’s just a matter of time before there’s a little ‘Miley’ cast as Mary, don’t you? That can’t end well for anyone.”

“I’ll probably quit at that point.”

BREAKING NEWS: Ugly Baby Still Referred to as “Cute” Despite the Obvious


LYING adults are still referring to a hideous newborn as “cute” and other similarly deceptive pleasantries, despite everyone having functioning eyes which tell them otherwise, reports confirm.

ugly baby
Proud Mother Becky Dinting, 26, gushed: “Awww, Isn’t she beautiful? Everyone always says how gorgeous she is, the little charmer.”

Two-faced Janette Lawton, best friend of the baby’s mother, commented: “I say she’s gorgeous on all her photos on Facebook, but my horrible husband always ‘likes’ them because he’s a smart arse who says she’s really ugly.”

“I mean, no baby is ugly, are they? Well, obviously she is. But it’s just cruel to say it out loud, I mean.”

“Oi, don’t laugh! Haha.”

Janette’s Husband James added: “Yeah, no, she’s proper ugly. I can’t even look at it and when I’m around the parents, I just look at them wide eyed while smiling and nodding about how cute she is. It looks like it knows what you’re thinking.”

“I’m telling you, proper ugly.”

John Lewis 2017 Christmas TV ad to feature family blissfully avoiding John Lewis


This year’s John Lewis’s Christmas TV advert will will feature a family that has a better Christmas than you by avoiding John Lewis altogether, it has been revealed.

john lewis 2017 christmas tv advert revealed

The 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert, features a run-of-the-mill family, who go about their Christmas without paying over the odds for an Acer laptop, just so they can avoid remarking to their friends about how popping in to John Lewis is “such a nightmare over Christmas. Did you go?” so people don’t think they’re cheap.

John Lewis TV ad maker, Becky Dinting, said: “With Brexit and everything, we just really wanted to capture people’s imagination and take them away from another Christmas which has again come too soon for everyone. After several years of peddling, well, lies if we’re honest, we’ve finally hit the nail on the head.” 

“Take that, Sainsbury’s!”

A spokesman for John Lewis confirmed the retailer’s change in tact, stating that the department store would “be more honest about Christmas from here on in”, before adding: “Christmas wasn’t even our idea either, you know!”

After watching the advert as part of a focus group, normal person and occasional Christmas shopper, Wayne Hayes, 29, said: “To be fair, I thought they had no place to go after the one with the dog. I was certain they’d make another awful, contrived horsheshit of an ad – probably where an orphan uses the John Lewis app to send some bio oil to a burns victim or something with Paloma Faith murdering a somberly re-imagined Kaizer Chiefs track as background music. They’d probably air it in September.”

“But I’d never have thought of not thinking about John Lewis at Christmas . It’s such a good idea!”

Fellow focus group member and average bloke, Ray Dawkins, 46, was unconvinced, saying: “I do like it, but let’s be honest – Christmas is never as good as they make it look in the adverts, is it? This is just another example.”

BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick


A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed.

managing director to withhold bonuses

Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to be liked and admired. He explained: “We’re in very pressing times and people must accept that. Not for me of course – business is booming, haha.”

“In all seriousness, I accept that some of them could think I’m moving the goalposts, but I call it character building. It’s as if some people want a financial reward for reaching targets which I might as well pull out of my arse. I can’t win.”

“Besides, our Head of Technology didn’t wear a tie last Friday and he left at five. I can’t say that’s why, though – I’m not a complete monster.”

Fed-up Head of E-commerce, Becky Dinting, said: “I wouldn’t mind, but it was his fucking idea in the first place to reward the team and, now, he’s looked at the actual sum, he’s acting like a child for ‘being forced to share’ a few poxy grand with the people who keep making him richer. Three houses he’s got – he’s never even here.”

“Now I’ve got to go back and tell everyone getting fuck all isn’t a bad thing as it ‘will be put into next year’. I don’t even know what that even means anymore.”

Mr Dawkins explained that rewarding staff just for going above and beyond was a “frivolous exercise” which isn’t rooted in commercial sense. Speaking from the golf course, the rich tosspot added: “I’ve even got this bet going with one the other directors how long we can keep our “shares in the company reward” promise going before we’re found out. Six months its been. Fantastic!”

“Anyway, it’s a verbal contract, isn’t it? Not worth the paper they’re written on. Fucking mugs.”

Senior Developer Nathan Bobson, 32, chipped-in: “I’ve had my notice written out for a month and purposely haven’t handed it in yet. I’ve already sounded out who in the team I’ll take with me to my new job, which wasn’t hard.”

“I’m sure I’ll be painted as the unreasonable one. As if 60 hours a week for the pay-cut I took when I first came is ‘living the dream’.”

“He’ll shit a brick.”

BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed.
gap year

Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an advantage to other mere mortals because of her “vast life experiences.”

The unemployed genius explained: “I’ve been through so much. You shouldn’t judge me unless you know me. My life experiences have made me the woman I am today.”

Solidifying her elite status among other entitled gobshites, the art history graduate came out with some other elaborate bullshit, adding: “As a woman, I don’t need to ask permission to have a voice in the world, even though society wants to dictate otherwise to us.”

Expanding upon on the his girlfriend’s impassioned monologues, boyfriend James, 27, revealed the couple enjoy heated debates. He commented:  “Yeah, I don’t know where this “asking permission” thing has come from, seeing as it patently isn’t true.”

“She says I’m not meant to know obvious things because I ‘don’t even have a degree’, but I don’t see how an unemployed graduate can be “oppressed” if their parents have just spunked twelve grand to fund their gap year and they still live rent-free.”

man-showing-a-thumbs-up-with-key-dp

“Still, it kind of nips things in the bud when you point out that all the major feminist victories have already happened. For example, the Suffragette movement not only won women’s right here in the UK, it kick-started the civil rights movement worldwide. That and the paradigm of the glass ceiling being broke means we’d no longer make such a big deal of a female state leader.”

“The sex is great, though.”

MumBecky’s Mum Elaine Dinting, 52, confirmed: “I’m glad she’s back now – the gap year nonsense has cost a bomb, her father said. She has changed a bit, though, judging by some of the things she comes out with.”

“I think she must have watched Russell Brand or something. He’s so funny.”

“She did get a first in her degree though, so I guess she’s earned all of her successes.”

BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
bored
Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

Stranger in the office pretending to know everyone


A POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed.
500730-man-at-work-700
Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and ask if anyone would like a cup of tea.

HR Manager Nathan Bobson commented: “I wish someone would have made me aware of this. He’s using my cup for shit’s sake.”

Accounts Executive, Becky Dinting, said the stranger was with half smiles and: “I don’t know if its a new guy or he’s like a supplier. He’s probably here to see the directors, even though they don’t seem to have noticed.”

“They must be a consultant or something? Sandra from payroll will find out when she get’s in from her doctor’s appointment. She’s nosey like that.”