Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little Shits


Britain’s schools have refused to apologise for depicting the parents of Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes as a spoiled brats who are probably ferried to school in a fucking Range Rover, it has been revealed.

greggs, sorry, baby jesus, sausage roll, nativity

Primary school teacher and school nativity “director”, Becky Dinting, 31, said: “Every year we cast the saviour of mankind’s parents ‘this year’s monsters’, if we’re being honest about it. Joseph is normally some long haired boy with a ‘quirky’ name, because of course, whose pushy Mum sends out gift lists to other parents before her kid’s birthday party. I won’t have to talk to her, will I?”

Beaming mother, Janet Hayes, 29, said of her son’s casting: “Honestly I envy other parents whose children aren’t as talented – practicing his lines has really cut into his snowboarding classes. He said he just wanted to be a sheperd “to look after all the sheep”, but I’ve told him he’s capable of so much more. Alright Hugo, come in and practice your lines with Mummy now.”

“But don’t you want to do it for Mummy?”

Miss Hayes wouldn’t be drawn on whether the practice would continue, and only added: “You do realise it’s just a matter of time before there’s a little ‘Miley’ cast as Mary, don’t you? That can’t end well for anyone.”

“I’ll probably quit at that point.”

John Lewis 2017 Christmas TV ad to feature family blissfully avoiding John Lewis


This year’s John Lewis’s Christmas TV advert will will feature a family that has a better Christmas than you by avoiding John Lewis altogether, it has been revealed.

john lewis 2017 christmas tv advert revealed

The 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert, features a run-of-the-mill family, who go about their Christmas without paying over the odds for an Acer laptop, just so they can avoid remarking to their friends about how popping in to John Lewis is “such a nightmare over Christmas. Did you go?” so people don’t think they’re cheap.

John Lewis TV ad maker, Becky Dinting, said: “With Brexit and everything, we just really wanted to capture people’s imagination and take them away from another Christmas which has again come too soon for everyone. After several years of peddling, well, lies if we’re honest, we’ve finally hit the nail on the head.” 

“Take that, Sainsbury’s!”

A spokesman for John Lewis confirmed the retailer’s change in tact, stating that the department store would “be more honest about Christmas from here on in”, before adding: “Christmas wasn’t even our idea either, you know!”

After watching the advert as part of a focus group, normal person and occasional Christmas shopper, Wayne Hayes, 29, said: “To be fair, I thought they had no place to go after the one with the dog. I was certain they’d make another awful, contrived horsheshit of an ad – probably where an orphan uses the John Lewis app to send some bio oil to a burns victim or something with Paloma Faith murdering a somberly re-imagined Kaizer Chiefs track as background music. They’d probably air it in September.”

“But I’d never have thought of not thinking about John Lewis at Christmas . It’s such a good idea!”

Fellow focus group member and average bloke, Ray Dawkins, 46, was unconvinced, saying: “I do like it, but let’s be honest – Christmas is never as good as they make it look in the adverts, is it? This is just another example.”

BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick


A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed.

managing director to withhold bonuses

Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to be liked and admired. He explained: “We’re in very pressing times and people must accept that. Not for me of course – business is booming, haha.”

“In all seriousness, I accept that some of them could think I’m moving the goalposts, but I call it character building. It’s as if some people want a financial reward for reaching targets which I might as well pull out of my arse. I can’t win.”

“Besides, our Head of Technology didn’t wear a tie last Friday and he left at five. I can’t say that’s why, though – I’m not a complete monster.”

Fed-up Head of E-commerce, Becky Dinting, said: “I wouldn’t mind, but it was his fucking idea in the first place to reward the team and, now, he’s looked at the actual sum, he’s acting like a child for ‘being forced to share’ a few poxy grand with the people who keep making him richer. Three houses he’s got – he’s never even here.”

“Now I’ve got to go back and tell everyone getting fuck all isn’t a bad thing as it ‘will be put into next year’. I don’t even know what that even means anymore.”

Mr Dawkins explained that rewarding staff just for going above and beyond was a “frivolous exercise” which isn’t rooted in commercial sense. Speaking from the golf course, the rich tosspot added: “I’ve even got this bet going with one the other directors how long we can keep our “shares in the company reward” promise going before we’re found out. Six months its been. Fantastic!”

“Anyway, it’s a verbal contract, isn’t it? Not worth the paper they’re written on. Fucking mugs.”

Senior Developer Nathan Bobson, 32, chipped-in: “I’ve had my notice written out for a month and purposely haven’t handed it in yet. I’ve already sounded out who in the team I’ll take with me to my new job, which wasn’t hard.”

“I’m sure I’ll be painted as the unreasonable one. As if 60 hours a week for the pay-cut I took when I first came is ‘living the dream’.”

“He’ll shit a brick.”

BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed.
gap year

Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an advantage to other mere mortals because of her “vast life experiences.”

The unemployed genius explained: “I’ve been through so much. You shouldn’t judge me unless you know me. My life experiences have made me the woman I am today.”

Solidifying her elite status among other entitled gobshites, the art history graduate came out with some other elaborate bullshit, adding: “As a woman, I don’t need to ask permission to have a voice in the world, even though society wants to dictate otherwise to us.”

Expanding upon on the his girlfriend’s impassioned monologues, boyfriend James, 27, revealed the couple enjoy heated debates. He commented:  “Yeah, I don’t know where this “asking permission” thing has come from, seeing as it patently isn’t true.”

“She says I’m not meant to know obvious things because I ‘don’t even have a degree’, but I don’t see how an unemployed graduate can be “oppressed” if their parents have just spunked twelve grand to fund their gap year and they still live rent-free.”

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“Still, it kind of nips things in the bud when you point out that all the major feminist victories have already happened. For example, the Suffragette movement not only won women’s right here in the UK, it kick-started the civil rights movement worldwide. That and the paradigm of the glass ceiling being broke means we’d no longer make such a big deal of a female state leader.”

“The sex is great, though.”

MumBecky’s Mum Elaine Dinting, 52, confirmed: “I’m glad she’s back now – the gap year nonsense has cost a bomb, her father said. She has changed a bit, though, judging by some of the things she comes out with.”

“I think she must have watched Russell Brand or something. He’s so funny.”

“She did get a first in her degree though, so I guess she’s earned all of her successes.”

BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
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Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

Stranger in the office pretending to know everyone


A POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed.
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Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and ask if anyone would like a cup of tea.

HR Manager Nathan Bobson commented: “I wish someone would have made me aware of this. He’s using my cup for shit’s sake.”

Accounts Executive, Becky Dinting, said the stranger was with half smiles and: “I don’t know if its a new guy or he’s like a supplier. He’s probably here to see the directors, even though they don’t seem to have noticed.”

“They must be a consultant or something? Sandra from payroll will find out when she get’s in from her doctor’s appointment. She’s nosey like that.”

Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dick


THAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to  park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed.
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Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in.

He commented: “Honnestly, I had no idea what those lines even were, haha. I’m shocked an appalled that other people think I’d purposely take up just the right amount of space to deter people from parking next to my car, just to avoid maybe scratching it…”

“The lease company would probably bill the company, but I wouldn’t care about paying for it myself anyway.”

Director Ray Dawson commented: “We’re all very pleased and relieved Nathan isn’t parking his BMW like some wet-nursed prick who doesn’t realise other people exist, anymore. I hope it’s got nothing to do with all the women in the office not really, you know, bothering with him.”

Payroll clerk, Sanrda Barnes said: “To be fair, this was only after a parking name and shame page was put up on the kitchen wall. His car was the only one on it.”

An helpful sounding Nathan concluded: “Can you still get in and out there? Thanks.”

Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photo


A NEW WIFE has expressed her concern about the lessening number of likes her wedding photo is getting each time she re-posts it on Facebook.
young-woman-using-a-mobile-phone-pic-getty-images-580339023Hurt Becky Dinting, 27, said the lack of support among her friends about her marriage is both upsetting and disrespectful.

The no-longer-bride explained: “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into people. Maybe my friends are too good all of a sudden to like a simple photo, just because we’ve got nothing coming up soon. Maybe they’re jealous my husband and I are happy and they’re not?”

“Don’t they understand how much the day cost us?”

Best friend Janette Lawton, 29, commented: “Upset? Oh god – we get it – she got married. I don’t know what else to say.”

“I bought her that expensive De’Longhi kettle as a wedding present, but if I don’t like her photo for the 20th time I’m a complete cow.”

“To  be fair though, I had the same with my baby, but that’s because the appeal wears off.  You just have to move on to the next milestone and remind people you’ve got a new thing so the likes come back. That’s what life is.”

“Mine’s graduating from nursery next summer. I can’t wait to show everyone.”

“What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents asked


Social media users have issued a collective plea for parents to explain the need to clarify what their ugly children wear when they go to school, it has been confirmed.

School uniform photos Facebook

Facebook user and former child, Nathan Bobson, 29, said: “I had heard there are these uniform things the kids have to wear, which sounds archaic. While I’m glad I know what they are for the millionth time, can you just stop showing me now, thanks?”

“Are they only selecting the ugly ones for the photos or something?”

Social scientist and mentally balanced human, Ray Dawson, explained the rationale behind the craze. He said: “Studies have shown there’s something inherently ugly about a child in their uniform stood next to a front door, but what people might not know is that posting it on social media also makes you a terrible parent.”

“That’s why they’re so hard to look at.”

“Were advising people not to look directly at them as you can damage your eyesight. It’s kind of like when an eclipse happens but instead the damage is done, you know, to your soul?”

Bemused twitter adult, Becky Dinting, 26, commented: “I don’t get it. Is it because everyone stops being so when they grow up? They’re all posted with comments about “growing up so fast” – some of them even show you photos of years past, so you can see the progress their child has made in becoming so ugly.”

“It might be some weird right of passage you go through as a parent, where eventually you accept what everyone already else sees.”

“Maybe they’ve stopped celebrating their “graduation” from primary school now as well?”

“You live in hope.”

JOE HART SET TO START FOR ITALIAN TV ADVERTS


DANDRUFF-FREE goalkeepy ad-man Joe Hart, 47, has spoken of his excitement at the prospect of endorsing a product in another language people wish he wouldn’t speak.

British goalkeeper Joe Hart gives a thumbs up upon his arrival for a medical check before joining the Torino football club from former club Manchester City on August 30, 2016 in Turin. England goalkeeper Joe Hart arrived in Turin on Agust 30 ahead of undergoing a medical that should see him sign a season-long loan deal with the unfashionable Serie A club. Hart, 29, has fallen out of favour with Pep Guardiola at Manchester City following the signing of Claudio Bravo from Barcelona and is set to join Torino in a bid to preserve his club future and international career following England's spectacular Euro 2016 exit. / AFP / Marco BERTORELLO (Photo credit should read MARCO BERTORELLO/AFP/Getty Images)

The flakeless flapper made the vow during an intense press conference, declaring: “People say I’m of no use to England, but I know that’s not the case. I have a winner’s mentality and I’ll be looking to impress, leading the line-up of new pasta sauces.”

“No, literally my face is going to be on the jars. I’ll probably be in all your cupboards.”

“To be honest I was hoping for a move to China, where I could be in one of their ‘wacky ads. I could have battled some weird 9ft tall demonic Sam Allardyce in a futuristic dystopia, where I save penalties in order to protect the Prince William.”

“Obviously it would be for a facial scrub.”

England Manager, Sam Allardyce has not ruled out a return for the once-footballer, stating that every player’s national place is in their own hands. He said: “If Joe’s advertising food, then I guess we can talk. I’ve always said that my players pick themselves with how they perform. BY the sounds of it, Joe’s getting some airtime for the wops.”

Hart has been criticised in the past for his choice of endorsements, such as the one for Head & Shoulders, despite having the most unmemorable head of hair to be seen on an English footballer.

Despite that, Hart still insists he has no regrets, stating: “I’ve never just advertised anything. I’ve always had standards and I’ll keep maintaining them.”

“Genocide? That’s Italian ice cream, right?”

“…how much?”

Infantile graduate struggling with the whole “work” thing


A piece of shit newcomer to the workforce has endeared herself to colleagues by failing to grasp the concept of professional behaviour or something called “work”, it has been revealed.
woman officeEntitled PR graduate Becky Dinting, 23, joined the company in July as a junior exec and her so far stellar performance has resulted in out-annoying every single one of her colleagues, past or present.

Her more notable achievements to date include wearing last night’s clothes into the office, introducing slang into email campaigns and taking an extra hour for lunch on Fridays.

The graduate screech commented: “My manager Davey bitches about me being on my phone, but I don’t see the problem when it’s my life. You come to work to live, you know, not just to work.”

“I don’t complain much though, since I’m new. I guess it’s the “little things”, isn’t it?”

Manager David Dawson explained: “Honestly I wouldn’t give a shit if Becky did some work, but she seems to be oblivious to the fact she has an actual job. She needs to start listening to instructions and stop calling me ‘Davey’ too. And stay away from me.”

“It’s like we have to applaud her for showing up and answering the odd email. Because her dad’s mates with the owner, we’ve got to hire her.”

Regional sales Manager Ray Dawson added: “Her parents must be absolute dickheads. God, I hope I never meet them.”

“We’re pretty fucked if this is the future of our country …at least I get to die one day.”

“Isn’t her probation period ending soon? Oh god.”

Dating websites in “drugged-up tiger” photo shortage


Dating websites have reported a record shortage of photos featuring morons on their gap year posing with heavily sedated tigers, it has emerged.
tiger photo, dating websites
Despite there being lots of single morons, there has been a vast reduction in the rate of smiling dickheads in Thailand posing with half-dead big cats on dating websites.

Terminally single Becky Dinting, 27, from Rochester said: “I don’t know what’s happened. Where there used to be tigers, there now seems to be all these tough mudder photos. I’m sat here on tinder like ‘what the actual fuck?'”

“I think it’s just dead brave, being next to an abused wild animal who you’d stand no chance around if it hadn’t already given up on life. How else am I to determine if you’re boyfriend material or not?” 

“It’s almost as good as a gym selfie!”

Single recruitment manager, Nathan Bobson, 28, thinks something needs to be done about the shortage, explaining: “I mean yeah, she might be hot, educated, likes footy and insists on going Dutch, but if I can’t see her next to a drugged-up bengal tiger, how do I know she’s the one for me?”

“Maybe include one of you in Machu Pichu just to make sure. Better still, why not have one with you and all your fit mates in so we don’t know you’re the “no” one?”

“I always choose the hottest girl. It never works, lol.”

Toddler to totally appreciate birthday party effort


A two year-old has expressed his heartfelt thanks for the over the top effort that went into his lavish birthday party, it has been revealed.
toddler birthday

The oblivious two year old thanked family and friends by wandering about with a mushed up carrot stick in between his fingers, shouting “Orange! Orange” before inexplicably crying and then falling asleep for the rest of the day.

The carefully crafted gesture came after the mite pretended to be humble about his ridiculous mountain of presents. This was followed by ignoring anything to do with the people who had showed up to his special fucking day.

Teary-eyed Mum Becky Dinting commented: “Awww, no, he knows how much he means to us. Obviously I’ve made sure everyone knows on Facebook how much effort we’ve gone into with all the presents and decorations, plus we got loads of clothes. So yeah …that’s totally worth it, right?

“No. No, it’s not an orange, it’s a carrot. Say C-A-R-R-O-T.”

“…little shit.”

The baby’s doting father, Nathan Bobson said: “Not being funny but, there’s no way it will remember who got what when I can’t even tell you who came. I don’t even know what we’ve got, other than a load of cleaning up.”

Nathan’s brother, Uncle James added: “So, can we like, go now?”

Bride “taking the complete f*****g piss”, say Bridesmaids


The latest unnecessary demands from a miserable bride-to-be “takes the complete f*****g piss”, her bridesmaids have revealed.
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Self-absorbed Becky Dinting and her beau Luke are to tie the knot next month, and the brides latest wave of demands is testing the already saint-like patience of her closest attendants. 

Bridesmaid Claire Worsley, 30, confirmed: “She’s a cheeky bitch and she’s cheap.”

“How is not my wedding costing me the best part of £500 quid and a day off work? Train tickets, hotel, my dress, shoes and now some weird fucking sash thing that the bride says she ‘needs’ …how do you “need” a whole other person to wear something awful?” 

hendooFellow Bridesmaid and workmate of Miss Dinting, Gabby  said: “We’re all fucking mugs. I’m not even counting the shit hen do which took £250 to go on before we even ordered a drink, by the way.”

“Do you know how expensive willy straws are? I don’t even know her that well.”

Unreasonable Bride-to-be, Becky Dinting, 29, explained: “Yeah I’m sure it’s cost them a bit, but they all want to share in my special day, or I’ll remember it forever, so fuck ’em.”

“Do you know how much this is all costing me? Well, not me directly, I mean my fella and my Dad, but still… I’ve done all the planning. That’s basically the same.”

A despondent Miss Worsley concluded: “How much of a knob can someone be about their wedding before you drop out, last minute?”

“…bet I’m not the only one.”

Grown woman capable of life before children


An educated woman of childbearing age is having something called ‘a life’ before making the life-defining choice to have children, it has been revealed.

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The shock revelation came after childless Finance Manager, Becky Dinting, 30, was questioned for the hundredth time this week on the prospect of bringing children into the world.

She explained: “My friends are all like ‘oh, you’re 30, don’t you like, want kids?’, but who are all these baby-obsessed women time travelling in from the 1970s?”

“It’s not as I’m leaving it late, even Janet fucking Jackson got preggers at 50. As if these bitches don’t read Heat magazine – I know they’ve got the time. Unlike me, obviously!” 

“Also, and I must confess, I just haven’t the heart to tell them how ugly some of their babies are. So yes, they’re not exactly selling the parenthood dream.”

“I’m sure they mean well.”

Best non-Uni friend and mother of four, Charlotte Hall, 28, said: “Becky’s probably worried she isn’t the maternal kind, but I just want her to be happy like me and Colin are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a job as a seamstress or whatever she does is good and all, but what else do you do for attention?”

“Maybe she’s a lesbian or something? I don’t know.”

A defiantly fertile Dinting, concluded: “I really love my life. Besides, do you think any of these women can casually spunk a couple of hundred quid on a new bag without having to bribe the likes of “Colin dadbod” with the saddest BJ in Britain?”

“Imagine women dying for the right to work and THAT being your life.”

Nobody mentioning new baby’s horrific name


A newborn baby’s given name is causing no end of awkwardness as people avoid talking about how awful it is, it has been revealed.
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The awkwardness started when proud Dad, Nathan Bobson revealed the infant’s weird designation on Facebook.

The little cherub was welcomed into the world with a nearly-aspirational name, which sounds like it was entirely made up – and a silence only usually reserved for people introducing themselves as ‘Adolf’.

Close friend of the baby’s mother, Becky Dinting, 28, revealed: “I heard she was thinking about giving him three middle names… I just hope it’s not that ‘Love, Live, Laugh’ thing she has all over the walls.”

“It sounds like he was born in prison though. Judging from the name he’ll probably be a rapist who avidly reads ChaucerI was so thrilled to meet the little man. It’s such a shame for him, bless.”

“I’m going to be Godmother, though, so I guess there’s that!

Miss Dinting’s boyfriend, Adam Weston, concurred: “Honestly, I can’t even bring myself to say it. How do you have a baby and not think ‘will people think our baby has a shit name?'”

“Do you remember a few years back, when Royal Mail briefly changed its name to Consignia, but changed it back again because it was so bad people were threatening to riot?” 

“Well it’s like that but little ‘Consignia’ shits and cries all the time.”

“Fuck’s sake.”

A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”


A-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed.

a-lecvel results UK

The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest.

Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though I only do this once a year, well, twice if you count GCSE results, this change is long overdue. Rather than hide in the shadows with unaccredited photos of lovely young girls, we can now be proud of the creepy old bastards we are.”

The rapey-vibed codger explained: “Gawping at nubile young females squeaking at each other as they open their results is one of life’s hidden pleasures, everyone knows that. Sometimes they wear crop tops and embrace each other. They don’t even know they’re doing it.”

A-level Results 12“If you’re lucky they’ll have a hot milfy teacher or mum who will join in.”

Explaining what life was like when it was all about the pupils, Mr Dawson commented: “Of course we do have to even things out by taking photos of the boys, but I just grab anyone I can. They get a small montage down the bottom of the page once we go to print. Can’t be seen to be too obvious.”

Turning back to the pupils in order to take more photos, a dedicated looking Mr Dawson could be heard instructing: “Okay, big smiles …just lovely. Again? OK, hold up your exam papers? No, away from your front. Away. Up in the air?”

“…marvellous.”

Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith


Former pharmaceutical lobbyist and Labour leadership contender, Owen Smith, has promised that dissident radicals, otherwise known as ‘grassroots Labour supporters’, would get a “seat at the table” in a Labour-run Labour party, it has been revealed.

Owen Smith ISIS seat at the table
The last ditch attempt to appear remotely inclusive to anyone with a soul came at a recent Labour Hustings, during which the the smarmy nonentity debated fellow contender and current Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn.

He commented: “It’s OK if you want to be a lefty. We’ll still, of course, accept your vote provided it’s, you know, for me.”

To a stunned crowd, the MP for something called Pontypridd admitted that grassroots party followers which support the party’s eventual leader, could even be involved in shaping Labour policy – something everyone else thought happened already. He explained: “In my opinion, these things more often then not come down to sitting down and talking about it. Not before ignoring the people we didn’t want to have to listen to in the first place, you understand.”

“It’s called democracy. Can’t I just win already?

Everyone “a bit ugly”, confirm people watchers


People who passively watch other people go about their business say everyone is quite odd looking and rather ugly, it has been confirmed.

people watching, ugly

“Would you still be with me if I looked like that!? lol.”

The revelation came after a young couple sat outside a cafe for half an hour, observed no people they were remotely impressed by in the process. 28 year old Becky Dinting explained: “I love people watching. I always look at other couples to see if they’re on a date or if they go together. more often than not someone’s punching. It’s usually the guy.”

“If they’re not fat or ugly, I just find myself thinking ‘aww, just no’. Or they have shit shoes.”

“Honestly, you think ‘there’s no way we’re the only decent looking couple around’ but we are.”

Her boyfriend Nathan Bobson confirmed “Everyone does look a bit shit, I have to say.”

“I’m glad I’m not one of these annoying looking dicks. Knowing what I’m like, I just couldn’t handle being oblivious to that level of indirect contempt.”

“Tits on her, though. Three o’clock.”

Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies


A simpleton housemate has spoken of their abject amazement at how dishes and cutlery ends up magically clean and back in their drawers, it has been revealed.

skanky housemate kitchen

Professional skank, Becky Dinting, 26, has insisted the kitchen is services by “the fairies” who wash dishes and wipe up after her in and around a communal kitchen used by other adults, even putting the cleaned items away afterwards. She explained “Well obviously it never happens when I’m there, other than when one of the other housemates do it I mean, but that doesn’t count. Occasionally there will be clean cutlery or dishes in the sink tidy, for example, but I just take things from the drawer. They’re usually pretty stocked.”

“I wouldn’t want to upset or undermine the fairies. I really value their work.”

By insisting on sourcing all her cutlery requirements from the magically re-stocked drawers, the inexplicably not single tramp roots her rationale in childhood weirdness. “It’s like when I take my morning Metro from halfway down the pile. The top ones just seem …well, not the best.”

When asked if she ever cleans things herself, Becky answered. “Well, that’s a tricky one isn’t it? That would mean me, like, cleaning stuff. I really begrudge going to work in order to pay bills and get money, so I’m not likely to tidy round after myself, am I?”

Frustrated housemate, Nathan Bobson, confirmed sightings of the so-called fairies: “Yeah it’s totally us. Becky either has no fucking idea or no inclination to acknowledge she makes any mess at all. Either that or she knows and has no shame and I’m too tired to say anything, because it will mean me punching her in the throat.”

The concerned social media exec said: “I’m just glad she can’t afford to live alone. I just have this horrific image of those weird “How clean is your house” women off the TV showing up to some dingy flat covered in clumps of hair and crumbs. I just couldn’t bare her going through that embarrassment. “

“Yeah… no, I’m sure she does get embarrassed, you know, sometimes and what not.”

Speaking of the fairies, housemate Nathan went on to explain: “We just take whatever’s been recently cleaned, just so there’s not shitloads of dishes and cutlery stacking up. I’m told it used to be called common courtesy, like when DVDs were VHS or something.”

“It’s OK though, I just lick whatever put away now.”

“Small pleasures and all that.”

People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds


Grown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed.
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The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything exists for their  sole amusement, even though what they’re laughing at usually isn’t funny.”

“Unfortunately it all stems from their over-protective parents treating them like little darlings. More often than not, individuals will turn into a horrible shit who somehow ends up running their own company.”

Hallmarks of the condition include complete contempt for other human beings and a distorted sense of social respectability. Other traits include a fondness of skiing and referring to ones self in the third person.

“Another key finding was that these individuals are the most likely to laugh at disabled or homeless people. They often add glib remarks which highlight fairly obvious observations which most of us wouldn’t find funny, let alone mention. It’s kind of like they’re being sarcastic but …not.” 

Study participant, Nathan Dobson, guffawed: “Woooo, nerrr, look at me. I don’t even have a house ’cause I’m so fucking special! It’s so funny. Haha.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”

Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dick


Unpopular Labour leadership hopeful, Owen Smith, has “un-resigned” from being a contemptuous bellend and is pressing on with the matter in hand, it has emerged.

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The Machiavellian fuckwit, Smith, whose past glories range from supporting Jeremy Cobyn outright, to ignoring the majority of the party’s members completely within six months, has re-stated his intentions to dislodge Labour’s democratically elected leader.

Feigning interest in having a credible mandate from the voting public, Mr Smith shrugged: “I know it might look like the most sensible, rational thing to do is listen to the party and leave this futile race, which I alone started months ago. But I’ve reconsidered.”

“I believe we can have a different Labour party. One where we can all come together under what me and my friends decide is best for you lot, rather than these loathsome dickheads who bang on about their £25 quid.”

Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners


Morons with a simplistic view of life have apologised to ISIS for anything remotely uncomfortable said on Facebook about them by frightened or angry people, it has emerged.

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The thinly veiled elitist plea, came after an Octogenarian Priest was beheaded by IS/ISIS/ISL militants in Normandy. Guardian readers have had enough of white people saying “nasty things” about the attackers’ cause, arguing people “need not needlessly offend people”.

An open letter, published in the Guardian by a think-tank calling itself HalloumiSoldiers, called on IS leaders not to take the fallout “too seriously” by paying any attention to social media, adding “…most Brits won’t even be able to spell their insults properly anyway. Even so, surely we can all come together and both settle our difference with love over a bowl of ‘Lucky Charms’. How about it? Hit us back anyway.”

Simpleton Nathan Bobson, a Guardian-reading social media consultant, leapt to defend any cause remotely affiliated with IS, commenting: “I saw something from a friend on Facebook that said ‘religious fanatics behead non-believer; how is this not a religious atrocity? and I just though ‘oh God, how droll?!” clearly these people don’t represent mainstream Islam.”

The beardy wanker went on: “I mean, for westerners – all probably Christians as well, I bet – to bleat about ‘pain and suffering’ at the hands of a clearly oppressed religion really is beyond crass. I mean, have they even heard of something called The Crusades?”

Level-headed Becky Dinting, 27, retorted: “Fair point, but I thought your whole argument was around them not being religious… so which is it?”

Nathan wasn’t subsequently available for comment.

“Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks Britain


Tony Blair has casually reminded Great Britain about the time he banned fox hunting, it has emerged.

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The curiously all of a-sudden-nudge came on the back of the Chilcot enquiry’s conclusion, which stated020 Blair took the country to a potentially illegal war with Iraq by possibly misleading the public.

The former Premier has moved the attention to more favourable achievements, declaring: “2003 was actually a great year for Britain, wasn’t it? We submitted the white paper of the Hunting Act to Parliament. We passed it the year after and put an end to Tory foxhunting – and we all win as a result.”

As yet, Blair has not acknowledged any of the findings of the report, but did add “Paternity pay. Now that was a good idea, wasn’t it?”

BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans


People who only ever go on holiday to Benidorm have made it harder for you to go there, even though you’d rather kill yourself, it has emerged.

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The love for all day breakfasts with chips served by Spanish English pubs, has won out in a vote to remain or leave the European Union. The “no foreign muck” campaign declared a marginal vote which has frightened half the country.

Non-racist British people now must negotiate with their families to travel to Benidorm or stay confined to their homes.

Student, Nathan Dobson, who voted to remain and maybe have the opportunity to work in Europe one day, exclaimed: “Hang on, Benidorm’s an actual place? I thought it was a TV show set in a dystopian future of travelling council estate pub? I mean that’s the whole premise, right? That it’d never, ever exist?”

“Oh my God, what have we done?!”

Brexiteer, Wayne Punter, lamented the victory’s loss on everyone else, commenting: “We’ve had too many foreigners here. It’s not right. If going abroad costs a bit more, then what’s the harm in that? You stick to yours and we’ll stick to ours.”

“Besides, what’s wrong with Beindorm? It’s just like here but you know, hot and that? I think the vote is good thing because you don’t see many University types there, so they probably won’t want to go.”

“Why would you want to visit the Amalfi coast anyway, with wines you’ve never seen in Spar and their not-Carling lager? Even the wafer thin ham is different there, although I’ve heard they even call that something foreign.”

“Imagine going on holiday to that!”

Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her music


Bunnyboiling singer, Adele, has been commended for stopping one of her performances in order to tell her fans to stop enjoying her music and “join the real world”, it has been revealed.

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The impassioned intervention was filmed by dozens of bored “fans” as the obsessive chanteuse spotted someone in the crowd paying attention. Adele commented: “Look, I just want to say that I’m here in real life. So it’s OK if you pick up your phone. There are lots of people who didn’t want to be here and aren’t, so I suggest you think about them.”

“In fact if you do, you might even be able to get back with  your ex. Imagine they forgot all about you and moved on, too.”

“I mean what the fuck are you all even doing here?”

1446406596-25Becky Dinting, a self-confessed “Daydreamer” said the singer’s remarks were met with rapturous applause, stating: “So I was there watching her and then she piped up saying we may as well use our phones because we can see real life any time we want.”

“It hadn’t even occurred to me I could just get on with my life. It’s a revelation.”

“I video’d it all.”

Man in TV advert “comes out” as McDonald’s customer


A TV advert which shows a grown man openly admitting to liking McDonald’s has gone viral, it has emerged.

Set in a Taiwanese McDonald’s, the advert features a young man attempting to open up to his father about his secret by saying “I like BigMacs.” 

After seemingly being unable to process the news, the Father leaves the scene momentarily, returning with more McProduce on which he then scribbles “I accept that you like them. But please know that fillet o fish is where I draw the line. I mean, what the fuck are they anyway? lol.”

“Also, why are we not talking instead? We’re sat opposite each other …don’t you think people find this part of the advert weird?”

The advert has been praised by charities for its ‘modern’ approach and hard hitting subject matter around acceptance and unconditional love. Becky Dinting, of ‘Fast Food Survivors UK’, said: “It’s a very brave thing for anyone to do – admit they like McDonald’s, so we applaud this advert for pushing the boundaries.”

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“Openly coming to terms with who they are is something  every Maccies lover struggles with.”

International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob


A complete dickend of a man has responded to International Women’s Day by sarcastically asking “so when’s international men’s day then?”, despite knowingly being both human and male.
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Pedantic sales manager, Nathan Dobson, cited “reverse sexism” and “double standards” as contributing factors that women, who make up half of our species, have been unfairly entitled to a whole day to celebrate overcoming men.

The lazy dickwad also joked: “The Sufragette movement wouldn’t have happened if those women would have known their place – in the kitchen.”

“Seriously though, it’s because of all these feminazis who deny men a fair say and we’re all rapists and opressors if we say anything. I mean, when is it even international men’s day?”

Colleague, Becky Dinting, who overheard his tiresome bullshit, shot back: “It’s November 19th, you fucking moron. And because of pigs like you, every other day as well.”

“Except for Valentine’s Day. Obviously, lol.”

Unemployed boyfriend’s appeal wearing off


An otherwise sensible woman has begun to question why she is still with her jobless boyfriend, it has emerged.
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Employed Becky Dinting, 26, met boyfriend Wayne last year, but has spoken of her concern that the magic might now be fading. “When we met Wayne I really liked the look of him, which was when he told me he was ‘getting into engineering’. That was fine because he’d rather we spend time at mine or whatever getting to know each other. You know, rather than waste money going out?”

“But that was ages ago.”

“My friends keep asking me ‘what he does he do again?’ and I’m kind of running out of things to say. He doesn’t seem to mind though, and just says “it’s us against the world, babe.” I’ve stopped dropping hints because it causes fights and I rather not cry all the time.”

Housemate and Nurse, Jane Hayes, 27, said “I don’t get it, he’s always here, wandering round in his boxers and being inappropriate, but never when Becky’s there. If he calls me gorgeous one more time I’ll tell him to fuck off.”

Unproductive Wayne Dobson, 25, who is in between jobs ‘at the minute’, has not had gainful employment since before the pair met. Explaining his prolonged period of inactivity, he mused “Well it’s not like I need to rush into anything. I’ve got a few things in the pipeline. These things take time, don’t they?” The evasive little shit added: “What’s wrong with me being at hers when she’s at work, anyway? We all get on famously.”

“I’ve got big plans, you know.”

Unconvincing SEO expert to “get you to the top” of Google


A shady sounding ‘internet marketing guru’ has promised to get your company’s website “to number one on Google” with vaguely worded services during a cold call, it has been revealed.

coldcallingMaverick SEO expert, Nathan Dobson, 34, explained how he couldn’t reveal his ‘complicated’ methods, nor any ‘protected’ clients, but steadfastly promised: “You’ll very quickly have better page rank than your competitors” before asking “so what is it your company actually… does?”

The brown-hat dipshit, who is also a Drupal expert, went on to describe “teams of Indians” who will do things from “all your submissions”, link building and integrity checking your website – all for a nominal fee.  The check-shirt prick added: “So, like, you won’t see our changes? It will all be in the ‘back end’, but because we’ve got a relationship with Google and Yahoo! we’ll make sure people can find you online.”

Operations Director and 54 year old mug, John Giles said: “I didn’t understand exactly what Nathan was telling me, mainly because I just don’t get computers – my wife will tell you all about that, haha. It does sound too good to be true, though” before adding “I’ve signed a 16 grand a year retainer for three years.”

“Margaret, did you did send it to his gmail account, didn’t you?”

Married Tinder woman’s “just a laugh” claims wearing thin


An untrustworthy woman has been awkwardly passing off a mild addiction to Tinder as “just a laugh”, despite being in a committed relationship with another human being, it has been revealed.
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Married Janet Hayes, 34, insists no harm can come from her using the app, commenting: “It’s fine if nobody’s getting hurt, and he doesn’t actually see me do it.” The awful female said that she just wanted to see “what it was all about” after she installed the app eight months ago, adding: “It’s just like being on my friends Tinder, except I haven’t really got any single friends so I’m just using my phone instead.”

Asked if her use of Tinder has the blessing of her husband, the emotionally retarded cowbag commented: “Well no, why would I tell my husband when I know it’s just for a laugh? It’s not as if I’m going behind his back or anything if it’s just a bit of fun, is it?”

Best friend and compulsive gossip, Jackie Dinting, 33 said: “Maybe Janet thinks she does belong in a relationship, deep down, and that her decade long marriage isn’t on the rocks. I think she thinks we all believe her when she says she wouldn’t care if her husband was on it.”

“We just laugh along with her, but secretly we all think she’s disgusting.”

An insistent Mrs Hayes added: “OK well I guess if he specifically asks me, then I guess I’ll just tell him. Probably.”

“What do you mean by date?”

BREAKING NEWS: Man still referring to dickheads as “legend”


A 34 year old bellend is still referring to his dickhead mates and other barely tolerable humans as “legend”, despite 2006 being over, it has emerged.
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Socially challenged Nathan Bobson, 34, from High Wycombe, is believed to be at large and openly eluding to his friends using the outdated term of endearment, which went into hiding some time in the past decade.

The old-enough-to-know-better dickstain is rumoured to have said: “My mate Dave is a proper legend – he’s always getting smashed and giving out abuse to randomers when we go out. Even before we get out to a club, he usually shows his gonads to some poor bird in Yates’s. Epicness.”

The Nuts magazine collecting (probably) cockwomble added: “He’s not always that larey, though. He even started an online petition saying that Jeremy Clarkson should be Prime minister.” 

“Complete ‘ledge.”

“Slider” loving hipsters just eating mini-burgers, it turns out


The burger-like food popular with hipsters and other smug, pulled-anything loving dickheads, normally passed off as “sliders” are actually just mini burgers, it turns out.
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Flat white drinking Nathan Dobson, 28, defended his love of ‘sliders’, insisting that miniature burgers are ‘actually something else’. The massive pop-up twat said: “I don’t know what a miniature burger is ,but I promise I’ve never seen or eaten one.”

“Well yeah, you like, slide it onto the bun? That’s why it’s a slider …probably.”

American burger lover and someone who knows better than you, Chet Reynolds, said: “You guys have sliders over here? Ohhhh, I though they were just like Briddish sized burgers. But yeah, those things are just regular burgers but like, way smaller?”

“I don’t know why we call them sliders but that’s what they are.”

Someone’s got a bacon sandwich, say jealous colleagues


Some jammy git has probably gone and brought a bacon sandwich in from a nearby café because everyone in the office can smell it, it has emerged.

bacon office envyNobody knows whether to congratulate the culprit or assault them for making everyone hungry, as confirmed by Nathan Dobson, who said: “I’m well jealous now – I bet they’ve . I just said to Mark from payroll that I’ve got half a mind to get one myself, but I’ll probably just have another brew and forget about it in a few minutes.”

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of getting one.”

Colleague Becky Dinting, 24, said the rotund nuisance has previous for always: “Awwww I’d love one, but it’s a bit cold outside. Is anyone else going for one?”

Sandra from accounts added: “I got in early and just had my porridge, as I’m being good this week.”

“Smells well fit, though.”

BREAKING NEWS: The Brit Awards apparently still a thing


A medieval, self-serving awards ceremony for the British music industry, commonly known as The Brits, is apparently still a thing and threatens to bring the nation back to crappier times, it has been revealed.
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The irrelevant televised occasion was designed to trick British people into thinking British artists only slightly less interesting than their more glamorous American counterparts, were actually worth listening to.

Having been set up by record label bosses, who were also on the voting panel, “the Grammy’s, but with shit teeth” was thought to have fallen out of favour with Britain’s youth.

simon-mayo-amnesty-messageAged DJ and one-time relevant-to-anyone-under-40 showbiz personality, Simon Mayo, announced: “Heyyy, listen up, guys. Tonight’s gonna be jam-packed with all your favourite cool artists, from Kylie, Michelle Gayle and Louise Nerding, to bands such as The Spice Girls, Chumbawumba and The Corrs.” before giving a thumbs up in the manner of a middle aged man who just helped a van driver reverse out of a street.

“We’ve also got some new music from Craig David.”

Demin-clad history teacher and self-confessed “cool cat”, Mr Dobson, said to his year 11 pupils: “Remember guys, if you’re watching the party with us in the school hall, don’t forget some food and 50p for a can of drink.” 

“It’s gonna be proper welll buzzin’.”

Confused social media ‘genius’ and lover of grime music, Nathan Dobson, 27, asked: “Is it like that Smash Hits Poll Winners Party thing that went out of fashion with combat pants? Yeah, I really need to start ‘making a muderer’. Sorry.”

But not everyone reacted with indifference. After hearing about this years’ event, a hopeful sounding Jacquie Dinting, 35, asked: “So is Robbie’s going to make an appearance, too?”

Everything “harming our children” say awful middle class Mothers


Dickhead Mothers who want “gender-neutrality” for their kids are achieving national coverage for overreacting to things everyone else barely even notices, it has been revealed.

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These entirely trivial things, which “threaten and oppress” their special fucking children, are also symptoms of our crumbling society, claims middle class MummyBlogger, Jane Robertson.

After recently making the schock discovery that the colour blue is most commonly associated with males, the halloumi-loving milf exclaimed: “So, because boys generally have blue bibs and stuff, I’m supposed to make my son watch Ultimate Fighting and bring him up to be a fucking rapist? I don’t think so.”

“I just keep imagining a future where Abraham grows up to me a man who can think of his wife as a sexual object and makes “surprise” dinner reservations without asking her first. He may as well even grow up to be good at football. Can you imagine that!?”

In surmising the root cause of pain and suffering to her privately educated spawn, the no-additives troll added: “I blame our patriarchal society. Men can’t just be people, what with all this archaic, gender-based conditioning.”

Annoying colleague still using the bloody microwave


An irritable office prick is selfishly hogging the staff microwave, despite other colleagues needing it before lunchtime ends, it has emerged.

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Unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Dobson, has been using the microwave for eight minutes already, and has just put in his second dish for “another few minutes.” Having used his trademark tactic of  leaving for lunch three minutes before everyone else,  the sneaky little shit explained his actions by saying: “Yeah well, my wife made fish curry and rice, so technically I need it again because undercooked rice can give you e-coli or something. That’s right isn’t it?”

Colleague Becky Dinting, 24, said the rotund nuisance has previous, commenting: “Every time I come here he’s there with a smug look and stinking the place out. Unless he fucks off I’ll have to bring my spicy chicken and prawn jambalaya into a supplier meeting with me.”

“He always gets the ‘good’ cutlery, too – which I swear he hides afterwards. Look at him just standing there on his phone, as if no-one else exists.”

A nonchalant Nathan added: “It just doesn’t work as well when you put two things in together.”

Big screen TV to solve couple’s relationship problems


A failing relationship has been handed a new lease of life by the purchase of a giant smart TV, it has been revealed.

Couple-watching-TV-in-bed-54290232 year old Martin Jennings, who has been married to his wife Claire for four years said: “We’ll have other things to do, like use some of the apps like Netflix and iPlayer.”

“It could even just play Spotify while I sit in the dining room on my laptop while she reads a book on the couch or something.”

Wife Claire said: “He probably thinks it will gloss over some of our obvious differences, or distract us from the painful realisation we settled – and got married too soon.”

“But if it stops him from pestering me for sex then I’m all over it.”

BREAKING NEWS: BMW driver discovers indicators


A BMW driver has discovered he can alert fellow road users and pedestrians about his intended manoeuvres by using something called indicators, it has emerged.

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31 year old Call centre team leader Wayne Bell, whose barely affordable 328i is older than he wants you to know, made the shock discovery while out annoying other road users: “I saw a lesser car with these twinking side light things. They seemed to correlate with the turns the driver was making. I was on the phone with my Dad at the time – he told me how to use mine, so I just… did.”

The normally irresponsible dickhead lauded the “new-fangled” safety feature, adding: “turns out they’re actually quite sensible.”

Fellow road user, Becky Dinting said: “I was behind him, waiting for him to cut up the oncoming pensioner who was turning into the same road. You know, like they normally do? But then he just waited patiently, as if he was a decent human being.”

“I couldn’t believe it.”

Cocky little prick to “absolutely smash” interview


An overconfident graduate “will absolutely smash” his first stage interview for a manager’s job which is probably out of his reach, it has been revealed.

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Articulate gobshite, Nathan Bobson, 23, has spoken of his second stage being “just a formality”, thanks to his 2:1 degree in business studies and private schooling. The entitled little wanker detailed his preparation ahead of a first stage interview, revealing: “Well, you know, I’ve got a more expensive suit than probably whoever’s interviewing me.”

When quizzed about which qualities he believes he has over other candidates, the maverick douchebag, who worked at his father’s legal practice last summer, explained: “Look, I’m like, just better than the candidates? I mean I’ve got my degree and that’s what my tutors told me I can expect, even with no life experience – £30k and a car, at least.”

“As soon as they ask me ‘where do you see yourself in five years?’ I can’t fail. I’ll say ‘In your job, but getting a promotion’. It’ll show them I’m more ambitious than the other cretins.”

“I won’t have questions other than ‘when can I start?’ or maybe ask about my bonus.”

“Sorry mate, I’ve got no change on me” Zuckerberg tells Kanye


Multi-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has told epic pop twat and new age beggar, Kanye West that he doesn’t have any spare change on him at this time, it has been revealed.

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Replying to a plea for a billion dollars in investment into “projects”, the considerably richer than you internet baron emphasised his lack of available currency with a regretful expression and a quick pat of his front pockets, as if to demonstrate the legitimacy of his claim. Walking away, Zuckerberg added “have a good day mate though, yeah?”

Later, a visibly annoyed Zuckerberg exclaimed: “This that same twat who got a load of money from Nike for designing sweatshop-made $300 dollar ‘Yeezys’, yeah?”

“You’d have thought the “black Steve Jobs” would be have more about him than to say he’s more worthy of help than starving Africans. At least Steve gave the poor fuckers a job .”

A witness said they heard the gazillionnaire utter from under his breath: “Pfff. Standing next to a cash machine. Cheeky fucker.”

BREAKING NEWS: Recruitment consultant to ”definitely call” unsuccessful candidate


A piece of shit Recruitment Consultant has pledged to definitely call an interview candidate “either way”, despite intending not to, it has emerged.


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Professional dickend and permanent recruiter, Adam Richards, 28, made the empty promise after a third stage interview, telling the candidate: “I haven’t heard back yet, so I’m sure they’re still just making their minds up. Whatever their decision, you’ll be the first one to know, either way. Don’t worry.”

Hanging up the phone, the #YOLO office twat revealed he won’t be spending a small amount of time to give “actionable feedback” to the disappointed candidate, commenting: “Nah, it’s probably gone to someone else. I’m not wasting my time on a loser who isn’t winning me the fee – I’ve got targets. Time is money.”

A hopeful sounding Nathan Dobson, has spoken of his faith in the jobfinder, asserting: “Well I don’t know Adam, but he seems like a really nice guy and not like other recruiters. After I used my holiday allowance to attend three separate interviews, I’m sure some common courtesy isn’t beyond him. Adam said I’m a perfect fit, so I’m hoping it’s good news.”

Recruitment consultant Adam went on to add: “The least Nathan could have done was meet me half way by landing the job. I’ve done my part, so fuck him.”

Email to wrong person “definitely not that bad”, insists sender


An office worker who sent an email to “completely the wrong person” has convinced himself it will all be fine, it has emerged.
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27 year old call centre team leader, Adam Richards, thought he sent the email, which read “That fat cow Walshy hasn’t paid me again. What does it even do all day? Fancy a few beers after? Done fuck all today. lol” to fellow team leader and friend, Nathan Dobson.

However, Mr Richards revealed he mistakenly sent the email to the new Payroll Clerk, Lorraine Walsh instead. He commented: “I tried to recall it, but it wouldn’t work. It’ll be fine though, I’m sure. I can probably explain that it’s about my friend who owes me money or something.”

“Has she come back to her desk yet?”

After being sent a meeting request with head of HR and his line manager, a high pitched Mr Richards reaffirmed: “Yeah, no, it definitely won’t be about this.

No. Yeah, It’ll be fine.”

“Fine. Fuck off and use Bing, then” Google tells UK tax MPs


Interweb net searchy thing, Google, has told the UK it is “free to use that piece of shit from Microsoft” if we don’t like their tax planning measures, it has been revealed.

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The taunt came from Google’s European boss, Matt Brittin, during what many have dubbed ‘a knowledge sharing workshop’ hosted by the Public Accounts Committee – an event where UK MPs get to ask business leaders for their advice on how to be sneaky little shits.

MP for Warrington and Secretary for Second Homes, David Mowatt, winked: “So.. tech-nically then, how have you managed not getting caught until now? We’re just trying to, you know… understand.”

Mr Brittin replied: “Well, I do what you’ve all done, in a way. Feign ignorance for the rules until it’s made clear to me on camera.” Going on to give a detailed explanation of Google’s tax affairs, the exec’s words were met with the palpable sighs of realisation when he concluded “Repeating the same mistake would land us in jail, so we just go to the next best grey area in the tax code – and Bob’s your Uncle.”

Mr Brittin was later ridiculed for admitting he did not know how much he is paid, adding “You know what, I don’t even look any more. Neither would you if you were paid what I am.”

“But if people don’t like how we pay our taxes, maybe they’d be much better off asking useless questions on Bing. Just say the word and I’ll happily buy you all a fucking Windows phone. Ungrateful sods.”

Trendy couple pretending not to do Valentine’s Day


A young, trendy couple who insist they “don’t do” Valentine’s Day on account of it being commercialised nonsense are secretly making plans to make it a very special occasion, it has been revealed.

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25 year old Becky Dinting, from London, said: “My boyfriend James and I said when we first got together that we definitely don’t do it. It’s all rubbish designed to pressure you into spending money, just to prove whether you love each other or not. And who needs that to validate your relationship?”

“That said, I don’t quite know what he’s got in store for dinner, but I’ve got some naughty lingerie as a surprise for him anyway.” The optimistic PR exec gushed: “He usually buys me flowers and spoils me on my birthday, so…”

27 year-old Boyfriend James later revealed: “Yeah, I’ve not bought or planned anything because that’s what we said. It’s all bollocks anyway. We’ll probably go for a walk, then get a takeaway and watch some Netflix.”

“Just like any other Tuesday night, really.”

Smug newlyweds surprised at hatred


A newlywed couple have spoken of their surprise at the intense hatred their awful smugness has provoked among family and friends.

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Upon returning from their second honeymoon, newlyweds James and Leanne Brubaker have terrorised friends and family on social media, heavily promoting their recent nuptials with re-styled wedding photos and bitesized marriage advice in the form of hasthtags.

Defending her online conduct, a proud-to-be Mrs Brubaker gushed: “We just want everyone to know how happy and in love we are. The thing is I know I can help my single friends find their true love. I guess some people just aren’t ready to be helped. That’s jealous bitches for you.”

Clearly punching husband, James, said he couldn’t explain the derision, admitting: “I don’t understand what all this is about – I’ve just done what I’ve been told.”

Claire Worsley, Leanne’s best friend and chief Bridesmaid revealed she is conflicted about their happiness, stating: “After their ropey start to their relationship, when James cheated with his prettier ex, I was so happy he had finally committed to her. But she’s changed.”

“She keeps telling me “don’t worry, you’ll find your person“. Every day she re-posts their wedding video with #lobsters, and I know for a fact they’re still updating their wedding board on Pinterest.”

The single 29 year-old explained: “I want to be happy for them, I really do, but she purposefully put us in those frumpy lemon dresses just to make sure we all looked like horrific pigs. Leanne’s probably just making the best of the situation because James is rich and OK looking, but his ex gave him the clap.”

“And who the fuck carries their wedding album around with them anyway?!” 

BREAKING NEWS: Ugly Baby Still Referred to as “Cute” Despite the Obvious


LYING adults are still referring to a hideous newborn as “cute” and other similarly deceptive pleasantries, despite everyone having functioning eyes which tell them otherwise, reports confirm.

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Proud Mother Becky Dinting, 26, gushed: “Awww, Isn’t she beautiful? Everyone always says how gorgeous she is, the little charmer.”

Two-faced Janette Lawton, best friend of the baby’s mother, commented: “I say she’s gorgeous on all her photos on Facebook, but my horrible husband always ‘likes’ them because he’s a smart arse who says she’s really ugly.”

“I mean, no baby is ugly, are they? Well, obviously she is. But it’s just cruel to say it out loud, I mean.”

“Oi, don’t laugh! Haha.”

Janette’s Husband James added: “Yeah, no, she’s proper ugly. I can’t even look at it and when I’m around the parents, I just look at them wide eyed while smiling and nodding about how cute she is. It looks like it knows what you’re thinking.”

“I’m telling you, proper ugly.”