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A-LEVEL STUDENT IGNORING SHIT ADVICE FROM MEDIOCRE 30-SOMETHINGS


A college student receiving his A-level results has announced he’s not listening to the awful advice of people who left college before iPhones existed and then grew up into nothing, it has been revealed. 35 year-old sales team leader, Nathan Bobson, announced on LinkedIn: “To all those students getting their A-level results today, remember that […]

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MAN WHO PUTS MOTIVATIONAL BULLSHIT ON LINKEDIN PRACTISING NONE OF IT


A WORKSHY BULLSHITTER who shares motivational content on LinkedIn in order to give off an image of being a remotely positive example to anyone is practising absolutely nothing about what he preaches, a cursory glance at his life has revealed.  After sharing a video from actor Will Smith on self-discipline, Recruitment Consultant, Wayne Hayes, 33, […]

Read More MAN WHO PUTS MOTIVATIONAL BULLSHIT ON LINKEDIN PRACTISING NONE OF IT
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MAC burns £28 MILLION worth of cosmetics to save brand from Instagram wankers


Profiteering cosmetics brand, MAC, copied needlessly unfashionable clothing brand Burberry, by setting fire to £28m worth of stock to stop their products being bought by dickheads and girls who pretend their parents haven’t bought it for them, it has been revealed. The drastic measures come after Burberry burned £28 million pounds worth of out-of-season clothes […]

Read More MAC burns £28 MILLION worth of cosmetics to save brand from Instagram wankers
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BREAKING NEWS: Driverless Conservative Party by 2021, Chancellor Confirms


The Conservative Party is to go “fully-autonomous” by the year 2021, a leaked report from the Treasury confirms. Details from the leaked report outline how a proposed £75 million investment in futuristic ‘Tor-E SleazeBots’ will mean that the party can dispense with having any sense of direction whatsoever. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, was […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: Driverless Conservative Party by 2021, Chancellor Confirms
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Every pub “now a f*****g créche” confirm fed-up adults


SPITEFUL PARENTS are secretly enjoying being massive bastards by taking their feral children to places dedicated to drinking alcohol, everyone else has confirmed. Irresponsible Mother of three, Becky Dinting, commented: “We totally resent the idea that pubs are only for adults. If we can’t enjoy it while trying to ignore our kids I suppose neither should you, lol.” The holy […]

Read More Every pub “now a f*****g créche” confirm fed-up adults
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Graduating from nursery isn’t a f*****g thing, parents told


AWFUL PARENTS have have been told that having a “graduation ceremony” for three year olds who can’t form coherent sentences isn’t an achievement, nor something anyone should be celebrating, reports confirm. Mother of three, Becky Dinting, 31, has confirmed how she has been coping with the bombshell that teaching her child to celebrate “graduating” from […]

Read More Graduating from nursery isn’t a f*****g thing, parents told
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Absolutely no ladies expected at ‘Ladies Day’, say race organisers


ONLY BRUTES AND CAR-CRASHES of womanhood are expected at Aintree for  this year’s ‘Ladies’ Day’, Grand National organisers have confirmed. The announcement comes as thousands of professional skanks and women your mother warned you about descend on Aintree to cause all sorts of carnage, and probably show their knickers to the Daily Mail. Impossibly posh […]

Read More Absolutely no ladies expected at ‘Ladies Day’, say race organisers
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Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little Shits


Britain’s schools have refused to apologise for depicting the parents of Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes as a spoiled brats who are probably ferried to school in a fucking Range Rover, it has been revealed. Primary school teacher and school nativity “director”, Becky Dinting, 31, said: “Every year we cast the saviour of mankind’s […]

Read More Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little Shits
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John Lewis 2017 Christmas TV ad to feature family blissfully avoiding John Lewis


This year’s John Lewis’s Christmas TV advert will will feature a family that has a better Christmas than you by avoiding John Lewis altogether, it has been revealed. The 2017 John Lewis Christmas TV advert, features a run-of-the-mill family, who go about their Christmas without paying over the odds for an Acer laptop, just so […]

Read More John Lewis 2017 Christmas TV ad to feature family blissfully avoiding John Lewis
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BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick


A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed. Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick
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BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life


A know-it-all graduate has used their 23 years of experience on this earth, of which 18 have been spent as a child, to explain something profound and/or useful to you about life, it has been revealed. Having travelled to several destinations popular with other gap year wankers while avoiding adult responsibilities, 23 year-old Becky Dinting concedes she’s at an […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: 23 Year-old to tell you something about life
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Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photo


A NEW WIFE has expressed her concern about the lessening number of likes her wedding photo is getting each time she re-posts it on Facebook. Hurt Becky Dinting, 27, said the lack of support among her friends about her marriage is both upsetting and disrespectful. The no-longer-bride explained: “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into people. Maybe my friends are too good all of […]

Read More Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photo
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“What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents asked


Social media users have issued a collective plea for parents to explain the need to clarify what their ugly children wear when they go to school, it has been confirmed. Facebook user and former child, Nathan Bobson, 29, said: “I had heard there are these uniform things the kids have to wear, which sounds archaic. While I’m glad […]

Read More “What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents asked
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Infantile graduate struggling with the whole “work” thing


A piece of shit newcomer to the workforce has endeared herself to colleagues by failing to grasp the concept of professional behaviour or something called “work”, it has been revealed. Entitled PR graduate Becky Dinting, 23, joined the company in July as a junior exec and her so far stellar performance has resulted in out-annoying every single one […]

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Dating websites in “drugged-up tiger” photo shortage


Dating websites have reported a record shortage of photos featuring morons on their gap year posing with heavily sedated tigers, it has emerged. Despite there being lots of single morons, there has been a vast reduction in the rate of smiling dickheads in Thailand posing with half-dead big cats on dating websites. Terminally single Becky Dinting, 27, from Rochester said: “I […]

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Toddler to totally appreciate birthday party effort


A two year-old has expressed his heartfelt thanks for the over the top effort that went into his lavish birthday party, it has been revealed. The oblivious two year old thanked family and friends by wandering about with a mushed up carrot stick in between his fingers, shouting “Orange! Orange” before inexplicably crying and then falling asleep for the rest of the day. The […]

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Bride “taking the complete f*****g piss”, say Bridesmaids


The latest unnecessary demands from a miserable bride-to-be “takes the complete f*****g piss”, her bridesmaids have revealed. Self-absorbed Becky Dinting and her beau Luke are to tie the knot next month, and the brides latest wave of demands is testing the already saint-like patience of her closest attendants.  Bridesmaid Claire Worsley, 30, confirmed: “She’s a cheeky bitch and […]

Read More Bride “taking the complete f*****g piss”, say Bridesmaids
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A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”


A-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed. The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest. Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though […]

Read More A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”
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Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith


Former pharmaceutical lobbyist and Labour leadership contender, Owen Smith, has promised that dissident radicals, otherwise known as ‘grassroots Labour supporters’, would get a “seat at the table” in a Labour-run Labour party, it has been revealed. The last ditch attempt to appear remotely inclusive to anyone with a soul came at a recent Labour Hustings, during which the the smarmy nonentity debated fellow contender and […]

Read More Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith
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Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies


A simpleton housemate has spoken of their abject amazement at how dishes and cutlery ends up magically clean and back in their drawers, it has been revealed. Professional skank, Becky Dinting, 26, has insisted the kitchen is services by “the fairies” who wash dishes and wipe up after her in and around a communal kitchen used by other adults, even putting […]

Read More Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies
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People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds


Grown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed. The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything […]

Read More People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds
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Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dick


Unpopular Labour leadership hopeful, Owen Smith, has “un-resigned” from being a contemptuous bellend and is pressing on with the matter in hand, it has emerged. The Machiavellian fuckwit, Smith, whose past glories range from supporting Jeremy Cobyn outright, to ignoring the majority of the party’s members completely within six months, has re-stated his intentions to dislodge Labour’s democratically elected leader. […]

Read More Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dick
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Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners


Morons with a simplistic view of life have apologised to ISIS for anything remotely uncomfortable said on Facebook about them by frightened or angry people, it has emerged. The thinly veiled elitist plea, came after an Octogenarian Priest was beheaded by IS/ISIS/ISL militants in Normandy. Guardian readers have had enough of white people saying “nasty things” about the attackers’ cause, arguing people “need […]

Read More Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners
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“Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks Britain


Tony Blair has casually reminded Great Britain about the time he banned fox hunting, it has emerged. The curiously all of a-sudden-nudge came on the back of the Chilcot enquiry’s conclusion, which stated020 Blair took the country to a potentially illegal war with Iraq by possibly misleading the public. The former Premier has moved the attention to more favourable achievements, declaring: “2003 […]

Read More “Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks Britain
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BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans


People who only ever go on holiday to Benidorm have made it harder for you to go there, even though you’d rather kill yourself, it has emerged. The love for all day breakfasts with chips served by Spanish English pubs, has won out in a vote to remain or leave the European Union. The “no foreign muck” campaign declared a marginal […]

Read More BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans
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Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her music


Bunnyboiling singer, Adele, has been commended for stopping one of her performances in order to tell her fans to stop enjoying her music and “join the real world”, it has been revealed. The impassioned intervention was filmed by dozens of bored “fans” as the obsessive chanteuse spotted someone in the crowd paying attention. Adele commented: “Look, I just want to say that I’m here in real […]

Read More Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her music
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International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob


A complete dickend of a man has responded to International Women’s Day by sarcastically asking “so when’s international men’s day then?”, despite knowingly being both human and male. Pedantic sales manager, Nathan Dobson, cited “reverse sexism” and “double standards” as contributing factors that women, who make up half of our species, have been unfairly entitled to a whole day to celebrate […]

Read More International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob
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Smug newlyweds surprised at hatred


A newlywed couple have spoken of their surprise at the intense hatred their awful smugness has provoked among family and friends. Upon returning from their second honeymoon, newlyweds James and Leanne Brubaker have terrorised friends and family on social media, heavily promoting their recent nuptials with re-styled wedding photos and bitesized marriage advice in the form of hasthtags. Defending her online conduct, a proud-to-be Mrs Brubaker […]

Read More Smug newlyweds surprised at hatred