BREAKING NEWS: Managing Director to withdraw staff bonuses again, just to be a prick


A piece of shit Managing Director isn’t going to pay out on bonuses promised to overworked staff just so he can be a complete bastard, it has been revealed.

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Successful e-commerce tyrant, Ray Dawkins, 52, has revealed bonuses promised to exhausted staff won’t be issued because he’d rather play with their emotions while pretending to be liked and admired. He explained: “We’re in very pressing times and people must accept that. Not for me of course – business is booming, haha.”

“In all seriousness, I accept that some of them could think I’m moving the goalposts, but I call it character building. It’s as if some people want a financial reward for reaching targets which I might as well pull out of my arse. I can’t win.”

“Besides, our Head of Technology didn’t wear a tie last Friday and he left at five. I can’t say that’s why, though – I’m not a complete monster.”

Fed-up Head of E-commerce, Becky Dinting, said: “I wouldn’t mind, but it was his fucking idea in the first place to reward the team and, now, he’s looked at the actual sum, he’s acting like a child for ‘being forced to share’ a few poxy grand with the people who keep making him richer. Three houses he’s got – he’s never even here.”

“Now I’ve got to go back and tell everyone getting fuck all isn’t a bad thing as it ‘will be put into next year’. I don’t even know what that even means anymore.”

Mr Dawkins explained that rewarding staff just for going above and beyond was a “frivolous exercise” which isn’t rooted in commercial sense. Speaking from the golf course, the rich tosspot added: “I’ve even got this bet going with one the other directors how long we can keep our “shares in the company reward” promise going before we’re found out. Six months its been. Fantastic!”

“Anyway, it’s a verbal contract, isn’t it? Not worth the paper they’re written on. Fucking mugs.”

Senior Developer Nathan Bobson, 32, chipped-in: “I’ve had my notice written out for a month and purposely haven’t handed it in yet. I’ve already sounded out who in the team I’ll take with me to my new job, which wasn’t hard.”

“I’m sure I’ll be painted as the unreasonable one. As if 60 hours a week for the pay-cut I took when I first came is ‘living the dream’.”

“He’ll shit a brick.”

Stranger in the office pretending to know everyone


A POLITE WEIRDO who is a stranger to everyone in the office is acting like they already kind of know everyone, despite not yet introducing themselves to anyone, it has been revealed.
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Having set-up camp on a nearby hotdesk, the well-mannered stranger, who hasn’t quite managed to say hello to anyone, has proceeded to casually chip-in during office small-talk and ask if anyone would like a cup of tea.

HR Manager Nathan Bobson commented: “I wish someone would have made me aware of this. He’s using my cup for shit’s sake.”

Accounts Executive, Becky Dinting, said the stranger was with half smiles and: “I don’t know if its a new guy or he’s like a supplier. He’s probably here to see the directors, even though they don’t seem to have noticed.”

“They must be a consultant or something? Sandra from payroll will find out when she get’s in from her doctor’s appointment. She’s nosey like that.”

Colleague pledges not to park like a complete dick


THAT ANNOYING colleague of yours has pledged not to  park like an infantile piece of shit for once in their worthless life, it has been revealed.
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Terminally unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Bobson, 29, made the groundbreaking oath to park within the confines of whichever designated space he chooses to leave his precious fucking car in.

He commented: “Honnestly, I had no idea what those lines even were, haha. I’m shocked an appalled that other people think I’d purposely take up just the right amount of space to deter people from parking next to my car, just to avoid maybe scratching it…”

“The lease company would probably bill the company, but I wouldn’t care about paying for it myself anyway.”

Director Ray Dawson commented: “We’re all very pleased and relieved Nathan isn’t parking his BMW like some wet-nursed prick who doesn’t realise other people exist, anymore. I hope it’s got nothing to do with all the women in the office not really, you know, bothering with him.”

Payroll clerk, Sanrda Barnes said: “To be fair, this was only after a parking name and shame page was put up on the kitchen wall. His car was the only one on it.”

An helpful sounding Nathan concluded: “Can you still get in and out there? Thanks.”

Infantile graduate struggling with the whole “work” thing


A piece of shit newcomer to the workforce has endeared herself to colleagues by failing to grasp the concept of professional behaviour or something called “work”, it has been revealed.
woman officeEntitled PR graduate Becky Dinting, 23, joined the company in July as a junior exec and her so far stellar performance has resulted in out-annoying every single one of her colleagues, past or present.

Her more notable achievements to date include wearing last night’s clothes into the office, introducing slang into email campaigns and taking an extra hour for lunch on Fridays.

The graduate screech commented: “My manager Davey bitches about me being on my phone, but I don’t see the problem when it’s my life. You come to work to live, you know, not just to work.”

“I don’t complain much though, since I’m new. I guess it’s the “little things”, isn’t it?”

Manager David Dawson explained: “Honestly I wouldn’t give a shit if Becky did some work, but she seems to be oblivious to the fact she has an actual job. She needs to start listening to instructions and stop calling me ‘Davey’ too. And stay away from me.”

“It’s like we have to applaud her for showing up and answering the odd email. Because her dad’s mates with the owner, we’ve got to hire her.”

Regional sales Manager Ray Dawson added: “Her parents must be absolute dickheads. God, I hope I never meet them.”

“We’re pretty fucked if this is the future of our country …at least I get to die one day.”

“Isn’t her probation period ending soon? Oh god.”

Annoying colleague still using the bloody microwave


An irritable office prick is selfishly hogging the staff microwave, despite other colleagues needing it before lunchtime ends, it has emerged.

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Unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Dobson, has been using the microwave for eight minutes already, and has just put in his second dish for “another few minutes.” Having used his trademark tactic of  leaving for lunch three minutes before everyone else,  the sneaky little shit explained his actions by saying: “Yeah well, my wife made fish curry and rice, so technically I need it again because undercooked rice can give you e-coli or something. That’s right isn’t it?”

Colleague Becky Dinting, 24, said the rotund nuisance has previous, commenting: “Every time I come here he’s there with a smug look and stinking the place out. Unless he fucks off I’ll have to bring my spicy chicken and prawn jambalaya into a supplier meeting with me.”

“He always gets the ‘good’ cutlery, too – which I swear he hides afterwards. Look at him just standing there on his phone, as if no-one else exists.”

A nonchalant Nathan added: “It just doesn’t work as well when you put two things in together.”

Company Director convinced of greatness with contrived iPhone analogy


An out-of-his-depth Sales Director is certain his speech about the iPhone will inspire greatness at his company, resulting in a wave of innovation amongst colleagues and maybe even sex with the attractive new marketing girl.

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52 Year old Ray Dawkins delivered the impassioned monologue after taking the “maverick” decision to replace Monday’s usual sales meeting with an address to the entire office. His 45 minute sermon included themes such as “curating intuitiveness”, “playing the orchestra” and “a new ecosystem of ideas.”

The confused businessman year old later said: “I’m not quite sure what Apple did, but they did it and made these things, and now they’re everywhere” going on to tentatively ask “Do you know if Leanne said she liked it, at all?”

Mr Dawkins went on to specify: “We need some of that vision, you know, to hack growth? Have you seen these TED talks? They’re fucking amazing.”

Ben Dawson, a disturbed colleague of Mr Hughes said: “I don’t know what just happened, really. I thought he had come in on his day off, so maybe the roll-neck just threw me a bit.”

“He went a bit like Swiss Tony from The Fast Show, going on about ‘the cloud’. Pretty much every sentence started with “When apple did thiiis…” while holding up his iPhone 3GS with a cracked screen, so I’m not sure what he expects. We make accounting software.”

“I could tell he lost the room when Sandra from payroll began to look worried. She turned to me and mouthed ‘disruption?'”