Because it's all a bit shit, really
Lockdown has taken its toll on one man so much, he’d really appreciate being in the shittest pub with the type of people he hates more than anything, it was confirmed last night. Furloughed Wayne Hayes, 36, commented “I’d take any shit pub right now and have a ball. Literally, imagine the most depressing hovel […]
Read More “I’d love a pint in any shit pub right now”, desperate man in lockdown confirmsAn unreasonable twitter gobshite has blocked someone who has a different opinion, it has been revealed. Prolific bringer of drama and no-filter knobhead went on a mini Twitter tirade to his followers bragging about how he “shut down a troll” after a brief exchange where his blatant bullshit was brought under question. Life’s terminal victim, […]
Read More Twitter knobhead claiming moral high ground by blocking anyone who questions their bullshitProfiteering cosmetics brand, MAC, copied needlessly unfashionable clothing brand Burberry, by setting fire to £28m worth of stock to stop their products being bought by dickheads and girls who pretend their parents haven’t bought it for them, it has been revealed. The drastic measures come after Burberry burned £28 million pounds worth of out-of-season clothes […]
Read More MAC burns £28 MILLION worth of cosmetics to save brand from Instagram wankersThe world has told Britain to turn itself off and on again, and maybe do a system restore back to any date in 2012 in order to solve it’s processing power issues, it has been revealed. The advice comes after the second millionth deliberate cluster-fuck by several manchildren who’ve been elected to be the ones […]
Read More Turn it all off and then on again, Britain toldMilk-snatching cowbag, Baroness Thatcher, from her deathbead, instructed the ever-smug George Osborne to remain steadfast in his plans to screw the country over, telling him “they’ll hate you too, but that’s why we’re Tories”. The ex-former PM was last night admitted to hospital her final stroke and, despite doctors desperate efforts to find a soul, the […]
Read More BREAKING: Osborne warned by Thatcher “This is how they’ll feel about you, but fuck ’em!”SHAMED Former home secretary, Jacqui Smith has staunchly defended her choice to submit expenses for porn films, stating “so what if I’m a right goer?” ahead of the release of her debut porn film, BareBack BenchMP’s. The former Chief Whip resigned from the cabinet in 2009 amidst the expenses scandal perpetrated by her less seedier […]
Read More Jacqui Smith makes porn film, admits husband “is a right wanker”The world’s media is petitioning Governments around the world to go at it like two whores bitch-fighting over the same patch, after the shitstorm Wikileaks created by publishing incoherent email ramblings from some American prick working for the US Government. Rational people the world over are said to be both fearful and livid. The emails, […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Media says “Fight, fight, fight!” after Wikileaks yankee pen-pusher email shitstormIn a bolding reform sweep up of Britain’s classrooms, David Cameron has briefed the nation’s teachers and children on removing struggling pupils right to one to one tuition, declaring “The stupids will be on their own. I mean it!” In an audacious assault on the right to education this week, which included pulling Nick Clegg’s […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Stupid kids “on their own”, Cameron tells Britain’s classrooms.Rookie Manchester United defender, Chris Smalling, hopes to follow in the footsteps of fellow centre-half, Rio Ferdinand, with Sir Alex Ferguson placing him on a fast track cocaine addiction programme and schooling him in the art of “Mercing”. In the past few years, Ferdinand has begun to mentor younger players in doing all sorts of […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Smalling to follow Rio example with drug habit and smacking bitches
The Shatire 