Schools “Not Sorry” for Replacing Mary and Joseph in Nativity Scene with Little Shits


Britain’s schools have refused to apologise for depicting the parents of Baby Jesus in their nativity scenes as a spoiled brats who are probably ferried to school in a fucking Range Rover, it has been revealed.

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Primary school teacher and school nativity “director”, Becky Dinting, 31, said: “Every year we cast the saviour of mankind’s parents ‘this year’s monsters’, if we’re being honest about it. Joseph is normally some long haired boy with a ‘quirky’ name, because of course, whose pushy Mum sends out gift lists to other parents before her kid’s birthday party. I won’t have to talk to her, will I?”

Beaming mother, Janet Hayes, 29, said of her son’s casting: “Honestly I envy other parents whose children aren’t as talented – practicing his lines has really cut into his snowboarding classes. He said he just wanted to be a sheperd “to look after all the sheep”, but I’ve told him he’s capable of so much more. Alright Hugo, come in and practice your lines with Mummy now.”

“But don’t you want to do it for Mummy?”

Miss Hayes wouldn’t be drawn on whether the practice would continue, and only added: “You do realise it’s just a matter of time before there’s a little ‘Miley’ cast as Mary, don’t you? That can’t end well for anyone.”

“I’ll probably quit at that point.”

BREAKING NEWS: Ugly Baby Still Referred to as “Cute” Despite the Obvious


LYING adults are still referring to a hideous newborn as “cute” and other similarly deceptive pleasantries, despite everyone having functioning eyes which tell them otherwise, reports confirm.

ugly baby
Proud Mother Becky Dinting, 26, gushed: “Awww, Isn’t she beautiful? Everyone always says how gorgeous she is, the little charmer.”

Two-faced Janette Lawton, best friend of the baby’s mother, commented: “I say she’s gorgeous on all her photos on Facebook, but my horrible husband always ‘likes’ them because he’s a smart arse who says she’s really ugly.”

“I mean, no baby is ugly, are they? Well, obviously she is. But it’s just cruel to say it out loud, I mean.”

“Oi, don’t laugh! Haha.”

Janette’s Husband James added: “Yeah, no, she’s proper ugly. I can’t even look at it and when I’m around the parents, I just look at them wide eyed while smiling and nodding about how cute she is. It looks like it knows what you’re thinking.”

“I’m telling you, proper ugly.”

“What’s with the ugly kid in school uniform craze?”, parents asked


Social media users have issued a collective plea for parents to explain the need to clarify what their ugly children wear when they go to school, it has been confirmed.

School uniform photos Facebook

Facebook user and former child, Nathan Bobson, 29, said: “I had heard there are these uniform things the kids have to wear, which sounds archaic. While I’m glad I know what they are for the millionth time, can you just stop showing me now, thanks?”

“Are they only selecting the ugly ones for the photos or something?”

Social scientist and mentally balanced human, Ray Dawson, explained the rationale behind the craze. He said: “Studies have shown there’s something inherently ugly about a child in their uniform stood next to a front door, but what people might not know is that posting it on social media also makes you a terrible parent.”

“That’s why they’re so hard to look at.”

“Were advising people not to look directly at them as you can damage your eyesight. It’s kind of like when an eclipse happens but instead the damage is done, you know, to your soul?”

Bemused twitter adult, Becky Dinting, 26, commented: “I don’t get it. Is it because everyone stops being so when they grow up? They’re all posted with comments about “growing up so fast” – some of them even show you photos of years past, so you can see the progress their child has made in becoming so ugly.”

“It might be some weird right of passage you go through as a parent, where eventually you accept what everyone already else sees.”

“Maybe they’ve stopped celebrating their “graduation” from primary school now as well?”

“You live in hope.”

A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”


A-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed.

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The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest.

Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though I only do this once a year, well, twice if you count GCSE results, this change is long overdue. Rather than hide in the shadows with unaccredited photos of lovely young girls, we can now be proud of the creepy old bastards we are.”

The rapey-vibed codger explained: “Gawping at nubile young females squeaking at each other as they open their results is one of life’s hidden pleasures, everyone knows that. Sometimes they wear crop tops and embrace each other. They don’t even know they’re doing it.”

A-level Results 12“If you’re lucky they’ll have a hot milfy teacher or mum who will join in.”

Explaining what life was like when it was all about the pupils, Mr Dawson commented: “Of course we do have to even things out by taking photos of the boys, but I just grab anyone I can. They get a small montage down the bottom of the page once we go to print. Can’t be seen to be too obvious.”

Turning back to the pupils in order to take more photos, a dedicated looking Mr Dawson could be heard instructing: “Okay, big smiles …just lovely. Again? OK, hold up your exam papers? No, away from your front. Away. Up in the air?”

“…marvellous.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”