BREAKING NEWS: Newlyweds wondering what to do next


TWO IDIOT NEWLYWEDS have celebrated the end of their honeymoon by realising they have to spend the rest of their lives together, it has been revealed.
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Recently wed Becky and James Dinting, both 24, tied the knot in July and, now their formal nuptial celebrations are officially over, the couple have expressed their surprise at being left to get on with it, just like every other married couple.

A weirded-out Mrs Dinting commented: “Now that the honeymoon’s over we’re just like “so this is really it, then?”

 “Everyone’s suddenly stopped bothering with us. Even the hot guys I went to school with have stopped liking my selfies.”

“It’s almost as if we have nothing to look forward to.”

Despite now realising what married life is, the couple say they are now eager to see what it’s all about. Mrs Dinting added: “James did put on a bit of weight in the lead up to the honeymoon, which is fine, because I love him, I guess. I just secretly want to say ‘OK, no more’ and us move on to the next thing.”

“We don’t have as much to talk about now the wedding’s over, but that’s normal isn’t it? I suppose I could re-post our wedding album or something?”

“Yeah, no it’s fine.”

Husband James added: “I suppose I’m on easy street from here on in. You know, sex on tap and all that? I feel like I’ve really landed on my feet.”

“I might get a shed.”

Facebook likes “dwindling” for re-posted wedding photo


A NEW WIFE has expressed her concern about the lessening number of likes her wedding photo is getting each time she re-posts it on Facebook.
young-woman-using-a-mobile-phone-pic-getty-images-580339023Hurt Becky Dinting, 27, said the lack of support among her friends about her marriage is both upsetting and disrespectful.

The no-longer-bride explained: “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into people. Maybe my friends are too good all of a sudden to like a simple photo, just because we’ve got nothing coming up soon. Maybe they’re jealous my husband and I are happy and they’re not?”

“Don’t they understand how much the day cost us?”

Best friend Janette Lawton, 29, commented: “Upset? Oh god – we get it – she got married. I don’t know what else to say.”

“I bought her that expensive De’Longhi kettle as a wedding present, but if I don’t like her photo for the 20th time I’m a complete cow.”

“To  be fair though, I had the same with my baby, but that’s because the appeal wears off.  You just have to move on to the next milestone and remind people you’ve got a new thing so the likes come back. That’s what life is.”

“Mine’s graduating from nursery next summer. I can’t wait to show everyone.”

Unemployed boyfriend’s appeal wearing off


An otherwise sensible woman has begun to question why she is still with her jobless boyfriend, it has emerged.
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Employed Becky Dinting, 26, met boyfriend Wayne last year, but has spoken of her concern that the magic might now be fading. “When we met Wayne I really liked the look of him, which was when he told me he was ‘getting into engineering’. That was fine because he’d rather we spend time at mine or whatever getting to know each other. You know, rather than waste money going out?”

“But that was ages ago.”

“My friends keep asking me ‘what he does he do again?’ and I’m kind of running out of things to say. He doesn’t seem to mind though, and just says “it’s us against the world, babe.” I’ve stopped dropping hints because it causes fights and I rather not cry all the time.”

Housemate and Nurse, Jane Hayes, 27, said “I don’t get it, he’s always here, wandering round in his boxers and being inappropriate, but never when Becky’s there. If he calls me gorgeous one more time I’ll tell him to fuck off.”

Unproductive Wayne Dobson, 25, who is in between jobs ‘at the minute’, has not had gainful employment since before the pair met. Explaining his prolonged period of inactivity, he mused “Well it’s not like I need to rush into anything. I’ve got a few things in the pipeline. These things take time, don’t they?” The evasive little shit added: “What’s wrong with me being at hers when she’s at work, anyway? We all get on famously.”

“I’ve got big plans, you know.”

Trendy couple pretending not to do Valentine’s Day


A young, trendy couple who insist they “don’t do” Valentine’s Day on account of it being commercialised nonsense are secretly making plans to make it a very special occasion, it has been revealed.

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25 year old Becky Dinting, from London, said: “My boyfriend James and I said when we first got together that we definitely don’t do it. It’s all rubbish designed to pressure you into spending money, just to prove whether you love each other or not. And who needs that to validate your relationship?”

“That said, I don’t quite know what he’s got in store for dinner, but I’ve got some naughty lingerie as a surprise for him anyway.” The optimistic PR exec gushed: “He usually buys me flowers and spoils me on my birthday, so…”

27 year-old Boyfriend James later revealed: “Yeah, I’ve not bought or planned anything because that’s what we said. It’s all bollocks anyway. We’ll probably go for a walk, then get a takeaway and watch some Netflix.”

“Just like any other Tuesday night, really.”

Man deeply distressed by girlfriend’s film choice


A distressed boyfriend deeply regrets allowing his girlfriend to choose which film to watch, and his now having second thoughts about their relationship, he has revealed.

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Hurt 27 year old, James Benson, let his girlfriend choose the date night film in the belief it wouldn’t be that bad, commenting: “I said “I’m not bothered, you pick one” because she did that indecisive hum thing she does after I suggested either Prometheus or Training Day. She went and picked ‘The Horse Whisperer‘ because it has “a wonderful narrative about patience”. I couldn’t even look at her.”

“I totally thought she’d meet me half way and pick one with Channing Tatum in it or something, the cow.”