BREAKING NEWS: Ugly Baby Still Referred to as “Cute” Despite the Obvious


LYING adults are still referring to a hideous newborn as “cute” and other similarly deceptive pleasantries, despite everyone having functioning eyes which tell them otherwise, reports confirm.

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Proud Mother Becky Dinting, 26, gushed: “Awww, Isn’t she beautiful? Everyone always says how gorgeous she is, the little charmer.”

Two-faced Janette Lawton, best friend of the baby’s mother, commented: “I say she’s gorgeous on all her photos on Facebook, but my horrible husband always ‘likes’ them because he’s a smart arse who says she’s really ugly.”

“I mean, no baby is ugly, are they? Well, obviously she is. But it’s just cruel to say it out loud, I mean.”

“Oi, don’t laugh! Haha.”

Janette’s Husband James added: “Yeah, no, she’s proper ugly. I can’t even look at it and when I’m around the parents, I just look at them wide eyed while smiling and nodding about how cute she is. It looks like it knows what you’re thinking.”

“I’m telling you, proper ugly.”

Grown woman capable of life before children


An educated woman of childbearing age is having something called ‘a life’ before making the life-defining choice to have children, it has been revealed.

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The shock revelation came after childless Finance Manager, Becky Dinting, 30, was questioned for the hundredth time this week on the prospect of bringing children into the world.

She explained: “My friends are all like ‘oh, you’re 30, don’t you like, want kids?’, but who are all these baby-obsessed women time travelling in from the 1970s?”

“It’s not as I’m leaving it late, even Janet fucking Jackson got preggers at 50. As if these bitches don’t read Heat magazine – I know they’ve got the time. Unlike me, obviously!” 

“Also, and I must confess, I just haven’t the heart to tell them how ugly some of their babies are. So yes, they’re not exactly selling the parenthood dream.”

“I’m sure they mean well.”

Best non-Uni friend and mother of four, Charlotte Hall, 28, said: “Becky’s probably worried she isn’t the maternal kind, but I just want her to be happy like me and Colin are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a job as a seamstress or whatever she does is good and all, but what else do you do for attention?”

“Maybe she’s a lesbian or something? I don’t know.”

A defiantly fertile Dinting, concluded: “I really love my life. Besides, do you think any of these women can casually spunk a couple of hundred quid on a new bag without having to bribe the likes of “Colin dadbod” with the saddest BJ in Britain?”

“Imagine women dying for the right to work and THAT being your life.”

Nobody mentioning new baby’s horrific name


A newborn baby’s given name is causing no end of awkwardness as people avoid talking about how awful it is, it has been revealed.
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The awkwardness started when proud Dad, Nathan Bobson revealed the infant’s weird designation on Facebook.

The little cherub was welcomed into the world with a nearly-aspirational name, which sounds like it was entirely made up – and a silence only usually reserved for people introducing themselves as ‘Adolf’.

Close friend of the baby’s mother, Becky Dinting, 28, revealed: “I heard she was thinking about giving him three middle names… I just hope it’s not that ‘Love, Live, Laugh’ thing she has all over the walls.”

“It sounds like he was born in prison though. Judging from the name he’ll probably be a rapist who avidly reads ChaucerI was so thrilled to meet the little man. It’s such a shame for him, bless.”

“I’m going to be Godmother, though, so I guess there’s that!

Miss Dinting’s boyfriend, Adam Weston, concurred: “Honestly, I can’t even bring myself to say it. How do you have a baby and not think ‘will people think our baby has a shit name?'”

“Do you remember a few years back, when Royal Mail briefly changed its name to Consignia, but changed it back again because it was so bad people were threatening to riot?” 

“Well it’s like that but little ‘Consignia’ shits and cries all the time.”

“Fuck’s sake.”

Awful parents still counting child’s age in months


Deluded parents of a certain to be spoilt child are still trying to pass its age off in months, is has emerged.

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Despite the infant not being on Facebook, mother Becky Dinting posted: “Happy seven month birthday, Jeanie. Wow! We can’t believe a whole seven whole months ago you changed our lives forever. Where has the time gone?”

The over-the-top tribute featured seven “different” photos of the baby during each of the months she’s existed in during her so far insignificant life.

Close friends have revealed the mother expects everyone to comment on how the child has notably “grown up”.

Friend Charlotte Hall said: “I just left a comment that said ‘Happy Birthday little Jeanie. Getting big now’ but I can’t really tell the difference. Jeanette used to slag off parents who did this. Now the other mums don’t like her.”

Nathan Dobson, colleague and Facebook friend of the baby’s father James, said: “To be honest I was expecting it. I don’t know what you’re meant to say when every month they  remind you about the birth of their child; every month it’s as if she’s finished her Masters or something. Who counts in months?”

“You can imagine them celebrating her every trivial scholastic achievement as if it’s a Nobel prize. Did you know they “graduate” from primary school now? For fuck sake!”

“I like James, and I know this largely his wife’s doing. I just don’t have the heart to say “Mate, no-one cares that your baby has been alive for another month. I’ve got frozen lasagne older than your child, so grow up.”

If Jeanie was on Facebook she’d probably be well embarrassed.

I just unfollowed him.

Unsure about which milestone the child has reached, father James mused: “It’s about one now isn’t it? It must be.”