BREAKING NEWS: Vegetarian “not really arsed” about burger advert

A vegetarian has greeted an advert deemed “offensive” to vegetarians with a balanced sense of proportion, it has emerged. Serial legume killing bacondodger, Nathaniel Taylor from Chorlton, Manchester, said he was “indifferent” to an advert which implied vegetarians are fussy and can be turned back into carnivores. The 24 year old shrugged “I probably couldn’t muster the energy […]

BREAKING: Gadget obsessed “early adopters” just men who like big TVs

BREAKING NEWS: Men who boast to friends they are ‘gadget freaks’ are really just fantasists who obsess about getting a bigger TV, or “would have a massive one, if the money was right and the wife allowed it”, a recent poll has found. The findings conclude that most “early adopters” aren’t likely to be middle […]

BREAKING: Chuka Umunna to make Labour the “party of the Riff Raff”

Ibiza holiday home-owning plastic socialist, Labour MP, Chuka Umunna has today launched his bowler hat into the ring to become the party’s Leader, with the hope the party “will reclaim its role as the party of ordinary working riff raff.” In a statement to Sky News, the Labour MP for Streatham and cliquey London nightspots, […]

Estate agent uses “stunning” to describe nice properties only

In groundbreaking bidneth news, an estate agent has pledged only to use the word “stunning” when listing properties which are actually attractive to look at. In a world-first, the self control marshaled by Dwayne Much, of South Manchester agency Jennie Wadsacash, attracted enquiries for properties from people who were actually interested. The move to a […]

BREAKING: Potential organ donors deterred “for fear of tempting fate”

The shortage of British people on the national organ donor register is mainly because of the fear most people have that they will “jinx themself” and snuff it within days of registering, a new study has concluded. A 500 page report explains that most Brits are deterred because of the “sod’s law” factor; it determines […]

BREAKING: “So er, how do I turn it on?” asks Thames Barrier Operator

London Thames Barrier staff have leapt into action in an attempt to defend the capital from flood waters by asking how to close the never used before Thames Barrier, as the chief operator mused “yeah, so …what do we actually do to work it?”. As southern England experiences record levels of rainfall, much of London remains exposed […]

BREAKING: Osborne warned by Thatcher “This is how they’ll feel about you, but fuck ’em!”

Milk-snatching cowbag, Baroness Thatcher, from her deathbead, instructed the ever-smug George Osborne to remain steadfast in his plans to screw the country over, telling him “they’ll hate you too, but that’s why we’re Tories”. The ex-former PM was last night admitted to hospital her final stroke and, despite doctors desperate efforts to find a soul, the […]

John Terry “I have a dream” victory speech defeats racism

Walking PR disaster and twice-disgraced former England captain, John Terry, has kicked football out of racism once and for all with a seminal speech. Speaking immediately after a trial in which he triumphed over racism, Terry declared “some of my best friends are black c**ts”. The serial shagger gave what is quickly becoming known as […]

Redknapp’s Dog to Consider Russia Job

‘Arry Redknapp’s dog, Rosie has officially thrown her tail into the ring of candidates for the vacant job of Russia football coach, stating that she would “make herself available, if the right opportunity presented itself”. According to her owner, Harry Redknapp. The pooch is expected to be on The Russian Football Federation’s shortlist of candidates […]

Nice furniture “wasted” on northeners, say Argos

Argos has angered well-off northeners by closing down all of its newly acquired Habitat stores that are situated outside of London, stating that the chains’ modern ranges are “wasted” on the unwashed. Having clubbed together to buy premium furniture retailer Habitat this week, the catalogue store will “strategically” shut down stores that just happen to […]

BREAKING NEWS: Obama completes “tricky” computer game.

President Obama has killed the top level “Boss” on Call of Duty, after a two year session playing the game online with senior staff. Obama, whose username is “motherfuckernumber1” eventually slayed Bin Laden after an eleventh hour skirmish left the president with just a stun grenade, a knife and 20% health. The recent stint followed […]

Bono & Bieber: Japan attention “unnecessary” without us

Pop-twat-combo, Bono and Justin Bieber have all but declared war on Japan and plan to release an album, adding to the tsunami-hit country’s nuclear woes with their god-awful music. The pair made the declaration after seeing public interest switch to something other than themselves, for once adding that “something must be done!” After declaring that […]

Jacqui Smith makes porn film, admits husband “is a right wanker”

SHAMED Former home secretary, Jacqui Smith has staunchly defended her choice to submit expenses for porn films, stating “so what if I’m a right goer?” ahead of the release of her debut porn film, BareBack BenchMP’s. The former Chief Whip resigned from the cabinet in 2009 amidst the expenses scandal perpetrated by her less seedier […]

BREAKING NEWS: Prince Andrew to be publicly flogged after “spoilt little bastard” carry on

Regal nobody and inferior sibling to Prince Charles, Prince Andrew, is in hiding this morning after Wikileaks revealed how the Prince shat on a coffee table in a meeting with a US Ambassador, while shouting “don’t you know who my Mum is, you fucking peasant?!”. The great British Public is set to call for a […]

BREAKING NEWS: Media says “Fight, fight, fight!” after Wikileaks yankee pen-pusher email shitstorm

The world’s media is petitioning Governments around the world to go at it like two whores bitch-fighting over the same patch, after the shitstorm Wikileaks created by publishing incoherent email ramblings from some American prick working for the US Government. Rational people the world over are said to be both fearful and livid. The emails, […]

BREAKING NEWS: Women to wear out the words “like, so” for Royal Wedding

Women are going to “like, SO” bore the complete fuck out you by next April, or perhaps even before, in an attempt to tell you and everyone else their opinion on Prince William and Kate Middleton’s royal wedding. Thanks to a pre-emptive strike by (let’s face it, the female contingency of) the world’s whoreish media, […]

BREAKING NEWS: The Pope reaches out to society, approves JLS condoms for Priests

In a breathtaking step out of the dark ages, the Pope has angered just about everyone by saying that condoms might be useful, “but only in exceptional circumstances” such as providing they withold DNA traces that help prosecute “lackadaisical” Priests and Cardinals. A statement released by the Vatican began “In our efforts to reconcile the […]

BREAKING NEWS: Stupid kids “on their own”, Cameron tells Britain’s classrooms.

In a bolding reform sweep up of Britain’s classrooms, David Cameron has briefed the nation’s teachers and children on removing struggling pupils right to one to one tuition, declaring “The stupids will be on their own. I mean it!” In an audacious assault on the right to education this week, which included pulling Nick Clegg’s […]

BREAKING NEWS: Smalling to follow Rio example with drug habit and smacking bitches

Rookie Manchester United defender, Chris Smalling, hopes to follow in the footsteps of fellow centre-half, Rio Ferdinand, with Sir Alex Ferguson placing him on a fast track cocaine addiction programme and schooling him in the art of “Mercing”. In the past few years, Ferdinand has begun to mentor younger players in doing all sorts of […]

BREAKING NEWS: Country goes “Team Malaria” as racist Cheryl chooses Cher.

Cheryl Cole has once again managed to piss off the entire country as she gave ageing Drag Queen, Cher, a place on the live X Factor shows ahead of someone who “just happens to be black,” according to the singer. In the last round of auditions worth watching, both Cher and another white girl (Katie […]

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea celebrates newly elected communist leader Ed Miriband

Reclusive North Korea has taken the rare steps to open up its doors to the west in honour ot its newly elected leader, Ed Mirriband. Ed is officially now known as “The one with the massive tongue.”

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Moyles refuses to play music altogether, bemoans diet live on air

That fat twat from Leeds, radio personality Chris Moyles has provoked the wrath of idiot BBC chiefs, blasting them for the diet they’ve put him on and has refused to play any music, whatsoever. In a sensational outburst, the Radio1 “DJ” (a descriptor we’ll afford him in his hour of need) blasted his bosses for not feeding him “for two hours, now” and revealed […]

BREAKING NEWS: George Michael wins court battle to bathe with naughty men

Prolific pot-head, George Michael has won a landmark court battle to spend eight weeks swathing in the man-cream of other convicted homosexuals who are just slightly less menacing than him. The wantaway willyflasher has for years campaigned tirelessly for this landmark ruling, and even spent many late night evenings in his car protesting, freebasing – […]

BREAKING NEWS: Ricky Hatton “distraught” over alleged boxing ‘career’

Fat alcoholic burger-binger, Ricky Hatton, has apologised for being caught with a supposed career as a one-time world championship boxer, saying he’s “distraught and distressed” for being considered an athlete at any point during his worthless life.

BREAKING NEWS: Rooney prostitute revealed as club-sanctioned ‘skank-ho’ of P-Diddy

Serial streetwalker (eurgh, sounds like an animal) banger, Wayne Rooney, who has come under fire for making his baby boy have sex with a prostitute, or something like that, was last night absolved of any wrongdoing by Sir Alex Ferguson. The Manchester United boss revealed that the dirty thing in question actually belonged to pimp-rap-wannabe-icon, Diddy…or Puff Daddy, or Diddley […]

BREAKING NEWS: Robbie and Gary’s video “only gay” amidst sense of humour rumours

Robbie Williams last night lept to defend the video of his latest single, a duet with Gary Barlow called, something or other (we forget), and asked for calm, stating that the video wasn’t in fact “ironic, in an ironic way” and that the video was “only gay”. In a heartfelt press conference while on his way to […]

BREAKING NEWS: Ed Miliband Reveals HUGE Tongue

Folowing months of speculation about the agendas of the Labour Party’s would-be leaders, Ed Miliband has revealed that he has a considerably bigger tongue than his brother and Labour leadership opponent, David. In a speech directed at Unison and Labour Party members, Mr Miliband unnowingly spat towards the camera repeatedly, as he set out his vision for the United Kingdom under […]