because it's all a bit shit, really
BREXIT Minister David Davis has finally unveiled his true identity, an evil Sith Lord who has just condemned the United Kindgom to a future only seen in distopian science fiction movies. After resigning his post late on Sunday night, Darth Brexitus commented that his hand was forced due to Theresa May’s soft Brexit plan. He […]
Read More BREAKING NEWS: Sith Lord David Davis finally reveals his true identitySerial romancer of inappropriate life partners, Cheryl Cole, has announced she it to split from her habit of picking totally the wrong guy, following her breakup from former popstar wanker boyfriend, Liam Payne. The couple had been rumoured to split, following a few years of Liam’s fuckboy antics. The former One Direction “singer” has been […]
Read More CHERYL COLE ANNOUNCES SPLIT FROM BAD RELATIONSHIP DECISIONSINEFFECTIVE LONDON MAYOR Sadiq Khan, has vowed to end London’s knife crime problem by avoiding it completely and focusing on fast food adverts on the tube which nobody pays attention to anyway, it has been confirmed. In his latest set of weird and unnecessary ways to tackle problems which aren’t his to fix, the workshy […]
Read More Knife crime better than fat Londoners, says Sadiq KhanSPITEFUL PARENTS are secretly enjoying being massive bastards by taking their feral children to places dedicated to drinking alcohol, everyone else has confirmed. Irresponsible Mother of three, Becky Dinting, commented: “We totally resent the idea that pubs are only for adults. If we can’t enjoy it while trying to ignore our kids I suppose neither should you, lol.” The holy […]
Read More Every pub “now a f*****g créche” confirm fed-up adultsAWFUL PARENTS have have been told that having a “graduation ceremony” for three year olds who can’t form coherent sentences isn’t an achievement, nor something anyone should be celebrating, reports confirm. Mother of three, Becky Dinting, 31, has confirmed how she has been coping with the bombshell that teaching her child to celebrate “graduating” from […]
Read More Graduating from nursery isn’t a f*****g thing, parents toldONLY BRUTES AND CAR-CRASHES of womanhood are expected at Aintree for this year’s ‘Ladies’ Day’, Grand National organisers have confirmed. The announcement comes as thousands of professional skanks and women your mother warned you about descend on Aintree to cause all sorts of carnage, and probably show their knickers to the Daily Mail. Impossibly posh […]
Read More Absolutely no ladies expected at ‘Ladies Day’, say race organisersA WASTE OF SPACE new office worker who got her job because of her father’s friendship with the Managing Director will have the total respect from every one of her colleagues who’ve actually worked to get where they are, it has been revealed. Social Media Executive and 23 year-old child, Becky Dinting, landed her new […]
Read More New Girl Who Got Her Job Because Her Dad Knows the MD to be Totally Taken Seriously