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BREAKING NEWS: Driverless Conservative Party by 2021, Chancellor Confirms

The Conservative Party is to go “fully-autonomous” by the year 2021, a leaked report from the Treasury confirms. Details from the leaked report outline how a proposed £75 million investment in futuristic ‘Tor-E SleazeBots’ will mean that the party can dispense with having any sense of direction whatsoever. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond, was […]

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Turn it all off and then on again, Britain told

The world has told Britain to turn itself off and on again, and maybe do a system restore back to any date in 2012 in order to solve it’s processing power issues, it has been revealed. The advice comes after the second millionth deliberate cluster-fuck by several manchildren who’ve been elected to be the ones […]

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BREAKING NEWS: Sith Lord David Davis finally reveals his true identity

BREXIT Minister David Davis has finally unveiled his true identity, an evil Sith Lord who has just condemned the United Kindgom to a future only seen in distopian science fiction movies. After resigning his post late on Sunday night, Darth Brexitus commented that his hand was forced due to Theresa May’s soft Brexit plan. He […]

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CHERYL COLE ANNOUNCES SPLIT FROM BAD RELATIONSHIP DECISIONS

Serial romancer of inappropriate life partners, Cheryl Cole, has announced she it to split from her habit of picking totally the wrong guy, following her breakup from former popstar wanker boyfriend, Liam Payne. The couple had been rumoured to split, following a few years of Liam’s fuckboy antics. The former One Direction “singer” has been […]

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Knife crime better than fat Londoners, says Sadiq Khan

INEFFECTIVE LONDON MAYOR Sadiq Khan, has vowed to end London’s knife crime problem by avoiding it completely and focusing on fast food adverts on the tube which nobody pays attention to anyway, it has been confirmed. In his latest set of weird and unnecessary ways to tackle problems which aren’t his to fix, the workshy […]

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Every pub “now a f*****g créche” confirm fed-up adults

SPITEFUL PARENTS are secretly enjoying being massive bastards by taking their feral children to places dedicated to drinking alcohol, everyone else has confirmed. Irresponsible Mother of three, Becky Dinting, commented: “We totally resent the idea that pubs are only for adults. If we can’t enjoy it while trying to ignore our kids I suppose neither should you, lol.” The holy […]

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Graduating from nursery isn’t a f*****g thing, parents told

AWFUL PARENTS have have been told that having a “graduation ceremony” for three year olds who can’t form coherent sentences isn’t an achievement, nor something anyone should be celebrating, reports confirm. Mother of three, Becky Dinting, 31, has confirmed how she has been coping with the bombshell that teaching her child to celebrate “graduating” from […]