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A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”


A-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed. The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest. Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though […]

Read More A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”
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Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith


Former pharmaceutical lobbyist and Labour leadership contender, Owen Smith, has promised that dissident radicals, otherwise known as ‘grassroots Labour supporters’, would get a “seat at the table” in a Labour-run Labour party, it has been revealed. The last ditch attempt to appear remotely inclusive to anyone with a soul came at a recent Labour Hustings, during which the the smarmy nonentity debated fellow contender and […]

Read More Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith
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Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies


A simpleton housemate has spoken of their abject amazement at how dishes and cutlery ends up magically clean and back in their drawers, it has been revealed. Professional skank, Becky Dinting, 26, has insisted the kitchen is services by “the fairies” who wash dishes and wipe up after her in and around a communal kitchen used by other adults, even putting […]

Read More Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies
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People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds


Grown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed. The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything […]

Read More People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds
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Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dick


Unpopular Labour leadership hopeful, Owen Smith, has “un-resigned” from being a contemptuous bellend and is pressing on with the matter in hand, it has emerged. The Machiavellian fuckwit, Smith, whose past glories range from supporting Jeremy Cobyn outright, to ignoring the majority of the party’s members completely within six months, has re-stated his intentions to dislodge Labour’s democratically elected leader. […]

Read More Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dick
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Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners


Morons with a simplistic view of life have apologised to ISIS for anything remotely uncomfortable said on Facebook about them by frightened or angry people, it has emerged. The thinly veiled elitist plea, came after an Octogenarian Priest was beheaded by IS/ISIS/ISL militants in Normandy. Guardian readers have had enough of white people saying “nasty things” about the attackers’ cause, arguing people “need […]

Read More Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners
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“Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks Britain


Tony Blair has casually reminded Great Britain about the time he banned fox hunting, it has emerged. The curiously all of a-sudden-nudge came on the back of the Chilcot enquiry’s conclusion, which stated020 Blair took the country to a potentially illegal war with Iraq by possibly misleading the public. The former Premier has moved the attention to more favourable achievements, declaring: “2003 […]

Read More “Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks Britain
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BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans


People who only ever go on holiday to Benidorm have made it harder for you to go there, even though you’d rather kill yourself, it has emerged. The love for all day breakfasts with chips served by Spanish English pubs, has won out in a vote to remain or leave the European Union. The “no foreign muck” campaign declared a marginal […]

Read More BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans
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Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her music


Bunnyboiling singer, Adele, has been commended for stopping one of her performances in order to tell her fans to stop enjoying her music and “join the real world”, it has been revealed. The impassioned intervention was filmed by dozens of bored “fans” as the obsessive chanteuse spotted someone in the crowd paying attention. Adele commented: “Look, I just want to say that I’m here in real […]

Read More Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her music

International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob


A complete dickend of a man has responded to International Women’s Day by sarcastically asking “so when’s international men’s day then?”, despite knowingly being both human and male. Pedantic sales manager, Nathan Dobson, cited “reverse sexism” and “double standards” as contributing factors that women, who make up half of our species, have been unfairly entitled to a whole day to celebrate […]

Read More International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob

Unconvincing SEO expert to “get you to the top” of Google


A shady sounding ‘internet marketing guru’ has promised to get your company’s website “to number one on Google” with vaguely worded services during a cold call, it has been revealed. Maverick SEO expert, Nathan Dobson, 34, explained how he couldn’t reveal his ‘complicated’ methods, nor any ‘protected’ clients, but steadfastly promised: “You’ll very quickly have better page rank than your competitors” before asking “so what is it your […]

Read More Unconvincing SEO expert to “get you to the top” of Google

Married Tinder woman’s “just a laugh” claims wearing thin


An untrustworthy woman has been awkwardly passing off a mild addiction to Tinder as “just a laugh”, despite being in a committed relationship with another human being, it has been revealed. Married Janet Hayes, 34, insists no harm can come from her using the app, commenting: “It’s fine if nobody’s getting hurt, and he doesn’t actually see me do it.” The awful female said that she just wanted […]

Read More Married Tinder woman’s “just a laugh” claims wearing thin

“Slider” loving hipsters just eating mini-burgers, it turns out


The burger-like food popular with hipsters and other smug, pulled-anything loving dickheads, normally passed off as “sliders” are actually just mini burgers, it turns out. Flat white drinking Nathan Dobson, 28, defended his love of ‘sliders’, insisting that miniature burgers are ‘actually something else’. The massive pop-up twat said: “I don’t know what a miniature burger is ,but I […]

Read More “Slider” loving hipsters just eating mini-burgers, it turns out

BREAKING NEWS: The Brit Awards apparently still a thing


A medieval, self-serving awards ceremony for the British music industry, commonly known as The Brits, is apparently still a thing and threatens to bring the nation back to crappier times, it has been revealed. The irrelevant televised occasion was designed to trick British people into thinking British artists only slightly less interesting than their more glamorous American counterparts, were actually […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: The Brit Awards apparently still a thing

Everything “harming our children” say awful middle class Mothers


Dickhead Mothers who want “gender-neutrality” for their kids are achieving national coverage for overreacting to things everyone else barely even notices, it has been revealed. These entirely trivial things, which “threaten and oppress” their special fucking children, are also symptoms of our crumbling society, claims middle class MummyBlogger, Jane Robertson. After recently making the schock discovery that the colour blue is most […]

Read More Everything “harming our children” say awful middle class Mothers

Annoying colleague still using the bloody microwave


An irritable office prick is selfishly hogging the staff microwave, despite other colleagues needing it before lunchtime ends, it has emerged. Unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Dobson, has been using the microwave for eight minutes already, and has just put in his second dish for “another few minutes.” Having used his trademark tactic of  leaving for lunch three minutes […]

Read More Annoying colleague still using the bloody microwave

“Sorry mate, I’ve got no change on me” Zuckerberg tells Kanye


Multi-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has told epic pop twat and new age beggar, Kanye West that he doesn’t have any spare change on him at this time, it has been revealed. Replying to a plea for a billion dollars in investment into “projects”, the considerably richer than you internet baron emphasised his lack of available currency with a regretful […]

Read More “Sorry mate, I’ve got no change on me” Zuckerberg tells Kanye

BREAKING NEWS: Recruitment consultant to ”definitely call” unsuccessful candidate


A piece of shit Recruitment Consultant has pledged to definitely call an interview candidate “either way”, despite intending not to, it has emerged. Professional dickend and permanent recruiter, Adam Richards, 28, made the empty promise after a third stage interview, telling the candidate: “I haven’t heard back yet, so I’m sure they’re still just making their minds […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: Recruitment consultant to ”definitely call” unsuccessful candidate
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Smug newlyweds surprised at hatred


A newlywed couple have spoken of their surprise at the intense hatred their awful smugness has provoked among family and friends. Upon returning from their second honeymoon, newlyweds James and Leanne Brubaker have terrorised friends and family on social media, heavily promoting their recent nuptials with re-styled wedding photos and bitesized marriage advice in the form of hasthtags. Defending her online conduct, a proud-to-be Mrs Brubaker […]

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Company Director convinced of greatness with contrived iPhone analogy


An out-of-his-depth Sales Director is certain his speech about the iPhone will inspire greatness at his company, resulting in a wave of innovation amongst colleagues and maybe even sex with the attractive new marketing girl. 52 Year old Ray Dawkins delivered the impassioned monologue after taking the “maverick” decision to replace Monday’s usual sales meeting […]

Read More Company Director convinced of greatness with contrived iPhone analogy

Facebook and LinkedIn “basically the same”, insists roundly hated little prick


Unpopular Sales Manager, Nathan Bobson, 38, has insisted that Facebook and Linked are exactly where photos of food and of his children should go, stating the two platforms “work in tandem.” The prolific nonsense poster said: “Occasionally some people, though never recruitment consultants, strangely enough, get a bit uptight when I post puzzles, like ‘how many squares do you see?‘ or photos of […]

Read More Facebook and LinkedIn “basically the same”, insists roundly hated little prick

BREAKING NEWS: Fabulous cakes “just for muppets” confirm Christian Bakers


There’s no way the Son of God, who shunned contact with all women in favour of a harem of men would have approved of wonderful cakes for homosexuals, a Christian bakers have confirmed. 38 year old Jesusey sponge lover, Sebastien Kemp, from Brighton, has confirmed that anti-gay bakers are “God’s footsoldiers”, ridding the world of homofags, one gay marriage at […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: Fabulous cakes “just for muppets” confirm Christian Bakers

BREAKING NEWS: Vegetarian “not really arsed” about burger advert


A vegetarian has greeted an advert deemed “offensive” to vegetarians with a balanced sense of proportion, it has emerged. Serial legume killing bacondodger, Nathaniel Taylor from Chorlton, Manchester, said he was “indifferent” to an advert which implied vegetarians are fussy and can be turned back into carnivores. The 24 year old shrugged “I probably couldn’t muster the energy […]

Read More BREAKING NEWS: Vegetarian “not really arsed” about burger advert