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Bride-to-be “taking the complete f*****g piss”, Hen party confirms

The latest unnecessary demands from a miserable bride-to-be “takes the complete f*****g piss”, her bridesmaids have revealed. Self-absorbed Becky Dinting and her beau Luke are to tie the knot next month, and the brides latest wave of demands is testing the already saint-like patience of her closest attendants. Bridesmaid Claire Worsley, 30, confirmed: “She’s a cheeky bitch and […]

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Grown woman capable of life before children

An educated woman of childbearing age is having something called “a life” before deciding to end it all by having children, it has been revealed. The shock revelation came after childless PR Director, Becky Dinting, 30, was questioned for the hundredth time this week on the prospect of bringing children into the world. She explained: “My friends are all […]

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Nobody mentioning new baby’s horrific name

A newborn baby’s given name is causing no end of awkwardness as people avoid talking about how awful it is, it has been revealed. The awkwardness started when proud Dad, Nathan Bobson revealed the infant’s weird designation on Facebook. The little cherub was welcomed into the world with a nearly-aspirational name, which sounds like it was entirely made up – and a […]

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A-level results day now “Creepy Old Photographer Day”

A-level results day has been renamed to acknowledge the creepy photographers who it’s really all about, it has been confirmed. The change has come after everyone admitted that, basically, today is an opportunity for creepy old photographers to get photos of dolled-up young females looking their happiest. Sinister Ray Dawson, 58, a freelance photographer confirmed: “Even though […]

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Labour’s actual members “to get a seat at the table”, says Owen Smith

Former pharmaceutical lobbyist and Labour leadership contender, Owen Smith, has promised that dissident radicals, otherwise known as ‘grassroots Labour supporters’, would get a “seat at the table” in a Labour-run Labour party, it has been revealed. The last ditch attempt to appear remotely inclusive to anyone with a soul came at a recent Labour Hustings, during which the the smarmy nonentity debated fellow contender and […]

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Everyone “a bit ugly”, confirm people watchers

People who passively watch other people go about their business say everyone is quite odd looking and rather ugly, it has been confirmed. The revelation came after a young couple sat outside a cafe for half an hour, observed no people they were remotely impressed by in the process. 28 year old Becky Dinting explained: […]

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Skanky housemate “in awe” of cleaning-up fairies

A simpleton housemate has spoken of their abject amazement at how dishes and cutlery ends up magically clean and back in their drawers, it has been revealed. Professional skank, Becky Dinting, 26, has insisted the kitchen is services by “the fairies” who wash dishes and wipe up after her in and around a communal kitchen used by other adults, even putting […]

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People who clap when they laugh “just the worst”, study finds

Grown adults who clap whenever they laugh are the worst kind of people you could ever meet, it has been revealed. The recent study found that a link between clapping when you laugh and being a horrible bastard is made during childhood. Professor Ray Dawkins, who led he study, commented: “We’ve dubbed it the “Caligula complex” where an individual thinks everything […]

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Awful parents still counting child’s age in months

Baby age passed off in months

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Owen Smith to “un-resign” from being an unpopular dick

Unpopular Labour leadership hopeful, Owen Smith, has “un-resigned” from being a contemptuous bellend and is pressing on with the matter in hand, it has emerged. The Machiavellian fuckwit, Smith, whose past glories range from supporting Jeremy Cobyn outright, to ignoring the majority of the party’s members completely within six months, has re-stated his intentions to dislodge Labour’s democratically elected leader. […]

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Guardian readers apologise to ISIS for “tetchy” westerners

Morons with a simplistic view of life have apologised to ISIS for anything remotely uncomfortable said on Facebook about them by frightened or angry people, it has emerged. The thinly veiled elitist plea, came after an Octogenarian Priest was beheaded by IS/ISIS/ISL militants in Normandy. Guardian readers have had enough of white people saying “nasty things” about the attackers’ cause, arguing people “need […]

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“Remember when I banned fox hunting?” Blair asks Britain

Tony Blair has casually reminded Great Britain about the time he banned fox hunting, it has emerged. The curiously all of a-sudden-nudge came on the back of the Chilcot enquiry’s conclusion, which stated020 Blair took the country to a potentially illegal war with Iraq by possibly misleading the public. The former Premier has moved the attention to more favourable achievements, declaring: “2003 […]

BREAKING: People who only visit Benidorm f*ck up middle class travel plans

People who only ever go on holiday to Benidorm have made it harder for you to go there, even though you’d rather kill yourself, it has emerged. The love for all day breakfasts with chips served by Spanish English pubs, has won out in a vote to remain or leave the European Union. The “no foreign muck” campaign declared a marginal […]

Adele stops show, tells fans to “stop enjoying” her music

Bunnyboiling singer, Adele, has been commended for stopping one of her performances in order to tell her fans to stop enjoying her music and “join the real world”, it has been revealed. The impassioned intervention was filmed by dozens of bored “fans” as the obsessive chanteuse spotted someone in the crowd paying attention. Adele commented: “Look, I just want to say that I’m here in real […]

Man in TV advert “comes out” as McDonald’s customer

A TV advert which shows a grown man openly admitting to liking McDonald’s has gone viral, it has emerged. Set in a Taiwanese McDonald’s, the advert features a young man attempting to open up to his father about his secret by saying “I like BigMacs.” After seemingly being unable to process the news, the Father leaves the […]

International Women’s Day “sexist”, says complete knob

A complete dickend of a man has responded to International Women’s Day by sarcastically asking “so when’s international men’s day then?”, despite knowingly being both human and male. Pedantic sales manager, Nathan Dobson, cited “reverse sexism” and “double standards” as contributing factors that women, who make up half of our species, have been unfairly entitled to a whole day to celebrate […]

Unemployed boyfriend’s appeal wearing off

An otherwise sensible woman has begun to question why she is still with her jobless boyfriend, it has emerged. Employed Becky Dinting, 26, met boyfriend Wayne last year, but has spoken of her concern that the magic might now be fading. “When we met Wayne I really liked the look of him, which was when he told me he was ‘getting into […]

Unconvincing SEO expert to “get you to the top” of Google

A shady sounding ‘internet marketing guru’ has promised to get your company’s website “to number one on Google” with vaguely worded services during a cold call, it has been revealed. Maverick SEO expert, Nathan Dobson, 34, explained how he couldn’t reveal his ‘complicated’ methods, nor any ‘protected’ clients, but steadfastly promised: “You’ll very quickly have better page rank than your competitors” before asking “so what is it your […]

Married Tinder woman’s “just a laugh” claims wearing thin

An untrustworthy woman has been awkwardly passing off a mild addiction to Tinder as “just a laugh”, despite being in a committed relationship with another human being, it has been revealed. Married Janet Hayes, 34, insists no harm can come from her using the app, commenting: “It’s fine if nobody’s getting hurt, and he doesn’t actually see me do it.” The awful female said that she just wanted […]

BREAKING NEWS: Man still referring to dickheads as “legend”

A 34 year old bellend is still referring to his dickhead mates and other barely tolerable humans as “legend”, despite 2006 being over, it has emerged. Socially challenged Nathan Bobson, 34, from High Wycombe, is believed to be at large and openly eluding to his friends using the outdated term of endearment, which went into hiding some time […]

“Slider” loving hipsters just eating mini-burgers, it turns out

The burger-like food popular with hipsters and other smug, pulled-anything loving dickheads, normally passed off as “sliders” are actually just mini burgers, it turns out. Flat white drinking Nathan Dobson, 28, defended his love of ‘sliders’, insisting that miniature burgers are ‘actually something else’. The massive pop-up twat said: “I don’t know what a miniature burger is ,but I […]

Someone’s got a bacon sandwich, say jealous colleagues

Some jammy git has probably gone and brought a bacon sandwich in from a nearby café because everyone in the office can smell it, it has emerged. Nobody knows whether to congratulate the culprit or assault them for making everyone hungry, as confirmed by Nathan Dobson, who said: “I’m well jealous now – I bet they […]

BREAKING NEWS: The Brit Awards apparently still a thing

A medieval, self-serving awards ceremony for the British music industry, commonly known as The Brits, is apparently still a thing and threatens to bring the nation back to crappier times, it has been revealed. The irrelevant televised occasion was designed to trick British people into thinking British artists only slightly less interesting than their more glamorous American counterparts, were actually […]

Everything “harming our children” say awful middle class Mothers

Dickhead Mothers who want “gender-neutrality” for their kids are achieving national coverage for overreacting to things everyone else barely even notices, it has been revealed. These entirely trivial things, which “threaten and oppress” their special fucking children, are also symptoms of our crumbling society, claims middle class MummyBlogger, Jane Robertson. After recently making the schock discovery that the colour blue is most […]

Annoying colleague still using the bloody microwave

An irritable office prick is selfishly hogging the staff microwave, despite other colleagues needing it before lunchtime ends, it has emerged. Unpopular Accounts Manager, Nathan Dobson, has been using the microwave for eight minutes already, and has just put in his second dish for “another few minutes.” Having used his trademark tactic of leaving for lunch three minutes […]

Big screen TV to solve couple’s relationship problems

A failing relationship has been handed a new lease of life by the purchase of a giant smart TV, it has been revealed. 32 year old Martin Jennings, who has been married to his wife Claire for four years said: “We’ll have other things to do, like use some of the apps like Netflix and iPlayer.” “It […]

BREAKING NEWS: BMW driver discovers indicators

A BMW driver has discovered he can alert fellow road users and pedestrians about his intended manoeuvres by using something called indicators, it has emerged. 31 year old Call centre team leader Wayne Bell, whose barely affordable 328i is older than he wants you to know, made the shock discovery while out annoying other road […]

Cocky little prick to “absolutely smash” interview

An overconfident graduate “will absolutely smash” his first stage interview for a manager’s job which is probably out of his reach, it has been revealed. Articulate gobshite, Nathan Bobson, 23, has spoken of his second stage being “just a formality”, thanks to his 2:1 degree in business studies and private schooling. The entitled little wanker […]

“Sorry mate, I’ve got no change on me” Zuckerberg tells Kanye

Multi-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has told epic pop twat and new age beggar, Kanye West that he doesn’t have any spare change on him at this time, it has been revealed. Replying to a plea for a billion dollars in investment into “projects”, the considerably richer than you internet baron emphasised his lack of available currency with a regretful […]

BREAKING NEWS: Recruitment consultant to ”definitely call” unsuccessful candidate

A piece of shit Recruitment Consultant has pledged to definitely call an interview candidate “either way”, despite intending not to, it has emerged. Professional dickend and permanent recruiter, Adam Richards, 28, made the empty promise after a third stage interview, telling the candidate: “I haven’t heard back yet, so I’m sure they’re still just making their minds […]

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Email to wrong person “definitely not that bad”, insists sender

An office worker who sent an email to “completely the wrong person” has convinced himself it will all be fine, it has emerged. 27 year old call centre team leader, Adam Richards, thought he sent the email, which read “That fat cow Walshy hasn’t paid me again. What does it even do all day? Fancy a few beers […]

“Fine. Fuck off and use Bing, then” Google tells UK tax MPs

Interweb net searchy thing, Google, has told the UK it is “free to use that piece of shit from Microsoft” if we don’t like their tax planning measures, it has been revealed. The taunt came from Google’s European boss, Matt Brittin, during what many have dubbed ‘a knowledge sharing workshop’ hosted by the Public Accounts Committee […]

Trendy couple pretending not to do Valentine’s Day

A young, trendy couple who insist they “don’t do” Valentine’s Day on account of it being commercialised nonsense are secretly making plans to make it a very special occasion, it has been revealed. 25 year old Becky Dinting, from London, said: “James and I said when we first got together that we definitely don’t do it. […]

Man deeply distressed by girlfriend’s film choice

A distressed boyfriend deeply regrets allowing his girlfriend to choose which film to watch, and his now having second thoughts about their relationship, he has revealed. Hurt 27 year old, James Benson, let his girlfriend choose the date night film in the belief it wouldn’t be that bad, commenting: “I said “I’m not bothered, you pick one” because she […]

Smug newlyweds surprised at hatred

A newlywed couple have spoken of their surprise at the intense hatred their awful smugness has provoked among family and friends. Upon returning from their second honeymoon, newlyweds James and Leanne Brubaker have terrorised friends and family on social media, heavily promoting their recent nuptials with re-styled wedding photos and bitesized marriage advice in the form of hasthtags. Defending her online conduct, a proud-to-be Mrs Brubaker […]

Company Director convinced of greatness with contrived iPhone analogy

An out-of-his-depth Sales Director is certain his speech about the iPhone will inspire greatness at his company, resulting in a wave of innovation amongst colleagues and maybe even sex with the attractive new marketing girl. 52 Year old Ray Dawkins delivered the impassioned monologue after taking the “maverick” decision to replace Monday’s usual sales meeting […]

BREAKING NEWS: Fabulous cakes “just for muppets” confirm Christian Bakers

There’s no way the Son of God, who shunned contact with all women in favour of a harem of men would have approved of wonderful cakes for homosexuals, a Christian bakers have confirmed. 38 year old Jesusey sponge lover, Sebastien Kemp, from Brighton, has confirmed that anti-gay bakers are “God’s footsoldiers”, ridding the world of homofags, one gay marriage at […]

BREAKING: Kate Winslet admits she should have drowned Celine Dion instead

Over the top English woman and star of Titanic has finally admitted, after almost 20 years since the film topped the box office, that Celine Dion should have been killed off as well.

Five photos “not enough” to show how great life is, say childless women

Smug childless women are struggling to show just how great their lives are with just five photos on Facebook, it has emerged. The “actually, genuinely happy without bragging about it” Facebook photo challenge is a call for all childless women to show what makes them happy in five photos, while giving the rest of us […]