Serial romancer of inappropriate life partners, Cheryl Cole, has announced she it to split from her habit of picking totally the wrong guy, following her breakup from former popstar wanker boyfriend, Liam Payne.

cheryl cole, liam payne, split

The couple had been rumoured to split, following a few years of Liam’s fuckboy antics. The former One Direction “singer” has been criticised for not spending time with Cheryl and their baby, Bear, and for calling their baby ‘Bear’ in the first place. Last year, Liam was blasted for boasting about his wealth and flying business class, despite being spotted flying economy himself.

An emotional Cheryl said: “I’m disappointed kers ah really lekied havin a younger fella, especially one erff the telly, leik. Even theur he was propa fit, which boosted ma instagram followas, ah dern think he was all that cleva, leik.”

Pop commentator Wayne Hayes, said: “Who could have predicted that, when a twice divorced pop diva hooked up with some boy-band member ten years her junior, who was barely out of high school when they met, it would all turn to shit? Pretty much everyone, that’s who. They called their kid Bear, for fuck’s sake.”

“I mean, it still looks like Liam is still the year 10 knobhead who rode on the school playing fields on his motorbike before getting suspended, but you know, with money and an Instagram account.”

Cheryl fan and all round screecy pop fan, Becky Dinting, said: “I can’t believe Cheryl and Liam are breaking up and I don’t even know what bear looks like. Although to be fair I’ve got to admit I’m more bothered about Jack and Dani off Love Island so I guess I’m not that arsed, lol.”

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