Knife crime better than fat Londoners, says Sadiq Khan

INEFFECTIVE LONDON MAYOR and all-round avoider of responsibilities, Sadiq Khan, has vowed to end London’s knife crime problem by avoiding it completely and instead choosing to focusing on the fast food adverts on the tube which nobody pays attention to anyway, it has been confirmed.

In his latest set of weird and unnecessary ways to tackle problems which aren’t his to fix, the workshy penpusher, whos its believed exists only on press releases and twitter, insists fat people do more harm than good, even just by looking at pictures of fast food. The idea of banning fast food advertising on the London underground is that London’s commuters won’t be able to wistfully think about devouring unhealthy food while sat on their fat arses – or even while stood up in a packed carriage, you know, while getting a proper fucking sweat on.

The Mayor has come under fire for his “ban it” approach to everything that isn’t a pressing matter, instead of fixing actual problems in the city as he was elected to do. A defiant Mr Khan said in a press conference: “Look, the tube is overcrowded as it is, everyone knows that. So we though ‘if we can have fewer fat people’ we can fit more people on or give everyone else a breather. Public service is all about setting priorities.”

“Plus, if you see someone come at you with a knife, you’ll probably wish you could be a bit lighter on your feet, so there. More people die of heart disease than stabbings anyway.”

When asked, since a bad diet is only one contributing factor of obesity, what schemes are planned to promote exercise, Khan angrily reacted: “What’s the point of that if there’s nothing to ban. You can’t ban not doing something. Can you?”

Upon hearing about the fast food advertising ban, Londoner Nathan Bobson, 27, said: “Well, I guess we could all appreciate having to see fewer fat people, obviously, but there are more fast food places in london than there are greengrocers – is he banning licenses as well? I’ll bet you anything he’s not.”

“How about making it safer so we could go for an actual fucking run in the city? That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?”

A hurried-sounding Khan was later heard saying: “Leaving free copies of the Metro on your seat. That’s got to be worse than homelessness, or teenagers getting stabbed outside schools, surely?”

“Could we outsource or even crowdfund a solution?”

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