AWFUL PARENTS have have been told that having a “graduation ceremony” for three year olds who can’t form coherent sentences isn’t an achievement, nor something anyone should be celebrating, reports confirm.
Mother of three, Becky Dinting, 31, has confirmed how she has been coping with the bombshell that teaching her child to celebrate “graduating” from nursery harms their long terms prospects of being people who are liked and/or useful to anybody. She said: “I can’t believe it, really. All this time I thought ‘well, they must have had tests or something’, but we’re just so proud of little Oliver. He’s so clever, I don’t know if I have it in me to tell him one day he’ll actually have to put in some hard graft to do a real graduation.”
“I just wanted to see him in a cap and gown. Although he did poo himself in the ceremony, bless him.”
Primary school teacher and fed-up Elaine Dawkins, 42, said: “Well no, it isn’t a graduation, don’t be daft. Most of them can’t even say their bloody name, but we can’t really say too much because all the mums will probably go to the papers. Putting more and more inane, annoying shit on social media is all they have in life.”
“There’s one now, crying at the blue play-dough – he’s four. That’s our future, you know.”
“How funny would it be if we could fail them?”
Clinical Psychologist and all round kiddie boffin, Ray Dawkins, confirmed: “Studies have shown we’ve actually hit rock bottom. Apparently it all stems from some idea that every child is “special” even though we know it isn’t true.”
“Even at this stage we can see which ones will grow up to be absolute bellends, or weirdos who’ll live at home until they’re 35 and end up dying a virgin. It’s usually the long-haired boys who have an “old fashioned” name, like Albert or Cyril if I’m honest.”
“It’s damaging in the long term because people struggle to keep up the pretence of having achieving things they haven’t, or having things which they don’t. Then again, they’ll probably grow up to be emotionally imbalanced Instagram wankers with serious issues.”
“Every cloud.”
Becky’s sister-in law and normal human being, Sarah, 33, said: “Honestly, how is this not a crime? It’s effectively conditioning kids to expect applause for anything, like taking a shit. And I’ve been round to the house while the kids have been potty training, by the way. They literally do that.”
“I was invited to attend but I just couldn’t bring myself to go, which upset Becky. I was like “sorry I can’t come to your three-year old’s graduation, because it’s not a graduation and she’s three, you absolute fucking moron.””
“We haven’t spoken since.”
The Shatire 