DANDRUFF-FREE goalkeepy ad-man Joe Hart, 47, has spoken of his excitement at the prospect of endorsing a product in another language people wish he wouldn’t speak.
The flakeless flapper made the vow during an intense press conference, declaring: “People say I’m of no use to England, but I know that’s not the case. I have a winner’s mentality and I’ll be looking to impress, leading the line-up of new pasta sauces.”
“No, literally my face is going to be on the jars. I’ll probably be in all your cupboards by the end of the season.”
“To be honest I was hoping for a move to China, where I could be in one of their ‘wacky’ ads. I could have battled some weird, 9ft tall demonic Sam Allardyce in a futuristic dystopia where I save penalties in order to protect Prince William.”
“Obviously it would be for a facial scrub.”
England Manager, Sam Allardyce has not yet ruled out a return for the once-footballer, stating that every player’s national place is in their own hands. He said: “If Joe’s advertising food, then I guess we can talk. I’ve always said that my players pick themselves and by the sounds of it, Joe’s getting some invaluable airtime for the wops.”
Hart has been criticised in the past for his choice of endorsements, such as the one for Head & Shoulders, despite having the second most unmemorable head of hair to be seen on an English footballer since Seth Johnson.
Despite that, Hart still insists he has no regrets, stating: “I’ve never just advertised anything. I’ve always had standards and I’ll keep maintaining them.”
“Genocide? That’s Italian ice cream, right?”
“…how much?”
The Shatire 