BREAKING NEWS: Fabulous cakes “just for muppets” confirm Christian Bakers

There’s no way the Son of God, who shunned contact with all women in favour of a harem of men would have approved of wonderful cakes for homosexuals, a Christian bakers have confirmed.

38 year old Jesusey sponge lover, Sebastien Kemp, from Brighton, has confirmed that anti-gay bakers are “God’s footsoldiers”, ridding the world of homofags, one gay marriage at a time. Affirming that denying gaymen fabulous cakes is God’s will, the cream loving fairy maker stated: “We’re basically taking the fight to them. How can you really, seriously now, tell me that sumptuous things such as ‘fluffy lemon heaven chiffon cake’, or  ‘Velvetine Cremenshnitte’ were meant for homosexuals?! It just doesn’t make me feel at ease.”

“That’s why there are, weirdly, so many of us in baking – keeping fanciful cakes firmly in the hands of straight couples is the only way to protect the sanctity of marriage. For example, only next week we’re planning on doing a glittery pink tiered cupcake arrangement for Britney’s fourth anulled marriage. How the fuck can that not be what God intended?”

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