BREAKING: Chuka Umunna to make Labour the “party of the Riff Raff”

Ibiza holiday home-owning plastic socialist, Labour MP, Chuka Umunna has today launched his bowler hat into the ring to become the party’s Leader, with the hope the party “will reclaim its role as the party of ordinary working riff raff.”

Umunna riff raff, nightclub, labour leader, champagne
“Will they know this isn’t actually the Groucho Club from that angle? ….are you sure!?”

In a statement to Sky News, the Labour MP for Streatham and cliquey London nightspots, who once incurred the wrath of your average man in the pub, said he wanted to make the party’s policies “more empowering to pikeys”. Read bit of an elitist prick, Chuka Umunna’s statement in full:

“My dearest blokes and chavettes, It’s been a tough time to be a just-about-distanced-enough-from-the-last-bloke, self-promoting Labour leadership candidate without expressly stating my true intentions until now. What’s more, I bet it’s even harder for you, the ordinary working pikeys who keep this country of wetherspoons pubs and Matalans together, now that the Tories are taking away your dole money. Our recent election defeat means my colleagues and I can’t just be people who say we “can’t just critique the Tories, we need a positive alternative”, we actually do need a positive alternative. We need a vision. A vision where opportunities into VIP lounges are granted to all, if you want to work hard enough and promise not to cause a scene. So today I’m announcing my candidacy to be our party’s leader. With your help and blind following, I will lead this party to rise up and be once more the party of the riff raff. To be the party of aspiration where where no matter your shitty origins, ordinary working trash can become C-list wannabes …given enough time and space from whichever spot I’m at on any given evening. For this, in advance, I thank you”

Andy Burnham upside down girly eyes
Upside down girl eyes, see?

Umunna is only the third Labour MP so far to confirm a leadership bid, after Liz Kendall announced her own leadership candidacy already. Upside-down girly eyes health bloke, Labour MP Andy Burnham, is said to be taking far too fecking long to say whether he’ll run or not, though everyone not so secretly knows he will, probably along with long-exiled polished turd, banana-toting David Miliband.


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