Walking PR disaster and twice-disgraced former England captain, John Terry, has kicked football out of racism once and for all with a seminal speech. Speaking immediately after a trial in which he triumphed over racism, Terry declared “some of my best friends are black c**ts”.
The serial shagger gave what is quickly becoming known as the “I have a dream” speech, in which he set out ideals that will one day mark the end of twattery by thick footballers and lowlives everywhere.
During The Free Thinking World v Terry, the aged defender had been accused of saying bad words, but was eventually cleared after the damning video evidence, which underpinned the trial – and which Terry did not at any point refute – could not be trusted.
Following the non-guilty verdict, the scandal-dogged Chelsea dogger’s brief argued that Terry has “more than done his bit for coloureds”, adding: “When John Terry calls some brother a “darky”, a BNP member, or some Tea Party, bible-bashing Obama hater in America dies somewhere.”
Milwall and Chelsea fans (who else) across the country have argued that the case should never have been brought to trial, stating that video evidence “doesn’t even count”. Sane people everywhere are gobsmacked.
Despite all the hyperbole, Terry was his ever magnanimous self in victory, adding: “It’s a bit like when Ashton Kutcher was in that film, the butterfly effect. But just imagine him in a Chelsea kit. And if it was me instead of him, but only ten times more betterer. And black.”
The Shatire 