Argos has angered well-off northeners by closing down all of its newly acquired Habitat stores that are situated outside of London, stating that the chains’ modern ranges are “wasted” on the unwashed.
Having clubbed together to buy premium furniture retailer Habitat this week, the catalogue store will “strategically” shut down stores that just happen to be outside of London – where nobody can afford their uncomfortable and slightly less-crappier than Ikea chairs.
The move will force people too depressed at traipsing through Ikea to flock to Argos instead. In an attempt to temper the vitriol from civilised northeners with disposable incomes, Argos Chief Executive, Terry Duddy, said: “For my liking, Habitat has a model that it far too simple anyway. I mean if you look at Argos, it’s a store but there’s nothing in it – fucking genius! I don’t know what the fuss is all about really.“
Further acquisitions are planned later in the year as Argos is re planning to acquire all jewellery stores to monopolise that market. The now aptly named Duddy went on to add “Those northern monkeys have been far too snobby about Elizabeth Duke for far too long now. They only end up pawning the good stuff to buy fags and milk from the off-license anyway, so fuck ’em.”
The Shatire 