Bono & Bieber: Japan attention “unnecessary” without us

Pop-twat-combo, Bono and Justin Bieber have all but declared war on Japan and plan to release an album, adding to the tsunami-hit country’s nuclear woes with their god-awful music. The pair made the declaration after seeing public interest switch to something other than themselves, for once adding that “something must be done!”

After declaring that “the suffering isn’t all that, unless I’m involved”, Sith Lord, Bono has now pledged to release a joint album “digitally – because it’s cheaper” with famous muzak-gnome, Beiber. Madonna parodist, Lady Gaga has pledged her “wholehearted” support for Bono, and is designing a fucking wristband.

Other stars such as Rhianna and Chris Martin are also said to have been drafted in after a record label PR realised the Japan disaster “doesn’t have a soundtrack”.

Twitter is also abound with rumours that Wycleff Jean is interested after he tweeted “Haiti is SO last year. It’s all about Tokyo motherfuckerrr!”

The British Red Cross welcomed the recent efforts by celebrity-dom, and conceded Bono’s sentiments of the disaster not being the same without him. A spokesperson said: “We have specifically asked Bono not to pledge any money to help the people of Japan. Instead what the world – and especially the people of Japan – need, is the assurance that these people can still promote themselves amidst inconvenient natural disasters and their subsequent humanitarian crises. We have been a bt selfish after all. Can you tell me if they signed up Rhianna in the end?? Did they? I SO can’t wait to download it!!”

Normal people everywhere have pledged donations to fund a concert at Fukushima for Bono and his minions to play, but there are no details on tickets.

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