BREAKING NEWS: Stupid kids “on their own”, Cameron tells Britain’s classrooms.

In a bolding reform sweep up of Britain’s classrooms, David Cameron has briefed the nation’s teachers and children on removing struggling pupils right to one to one tuition, declaring “The stupids will be on their own. I mean it!”

In an audacious assault on the right to education this week, which included pulling Nick Clegg’s trousers down in the House of Commons and spanking his arse to the merriment of every former Eaton student in the room, a beaming David Cameron affirmed “This is what it’s like to be lonely, this is what it’s like to be small. You know the rest. This is what we came here for – I mean look at his shameful face. Look at iiiiit!”

Rioting for their rights: Serious business, evidently.

This week has already seen a bunch of jumped up little shits storm Tory HQ in Millbank, ironically, about the Nick Clegg’s arse slapping, as hundreds of priviliged middle-class kids who won’t be affected by the cuts decided to bunk lectures instead.

Protest leaders urged the marching students to send a clear message to the Government not to take us back to the 1980’s – by emploring them to riot aimlessly.

Clad in his favourite sweat-shop made £40 Che Guevara t-shirt from GAP was second-time first year student, Leon Sharmaine, who either stated (or asked? We don’t know): “Er, we’re defending the working classes of Britain and the world? We’re telling the police they can’t take our freedoms or something? I even punched a female police officer in the face to prove my point? Am I on the news?”

Against small Government(!)

Also protesting was Becky Dinting from Berkshire, who when asked if she agreed that increased tiution would create a two tier system said: ” Ya, ya. We’re also against  this marxism-style oppression – they should pay for our degrees. They’re scared now anyway because we remind them of the 1980’s – you’ve heard today’s slogans. I mean all the guys have moustaches and skinny jeans and just look at the collection of Morrisse-style glasses on everyone. We’re rioting, but with style this time and the Government, like, knows it.”

The Chief Executive of the NUS, who was gobsmacked briefly, eventually conceded: “Ah shit, we should have just said it was an outdoor lecture, then they wouldn’t have come. Say it. I’m right, aren’t I? Jesus!”

Opposition MPs are also in outgrage, wherever that is, but are said to be proper pissed off, like Labour MP, Harriet Harman, who said: “OK fine, so kids struggling with maths don’t get extra help, but what about the teachers who might want to genuinely use thickness and indolent behaviour as an excuse molest these poor bastards? I mean, who the fuck am I going use now to oppress the rest of you with my pseudo-draconian equality reform proposals? Who, biatch?”

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