In a sensational outburst, the Radio1 “DJ” (a descriptor we’ll afford him in his hour of need) blasted his bosses for not feeding him “for two hours, now” and revealed that since his split from the woman lucky enough to get away from him, he had even been forced to steal from a starving African child. A BBC spokesman was sent out to Dominos, sharpish.
It was during the rant that the millions of dicks who still listen to him even noticed the lack of music that everyone else in Britain noticed about five years ago.
On the Radio1 website, one frightened listener commented: “I’m sure there is supposed to be something else that happens now. I mean why is nobody even mentioning Gary Barlow? What the fuck is going on?”
The only Radio1 listener with a proportioned sense of perspective exacerbated Moyles’s hunger-pains when he said he was “so lucky” in these austere times, dontcher know, to be so well fed in the first place. An emotional Moyles frothed: “Fuck off, I’ve been forced to eat Tesco’s food over Waitrose’s and be catered for by my pompous friends – you know nothing about my life, you ignorant, averagely-paid prick!”
A spokesman for anti-famine charity, Action Against Hunger has also come out against the BBC, stating that: “With all the despair and hunger people are enduring throughout the world, the fact that the BBC can make this pampered oaf to wait for a while really takes the piss, you know. I mean, I bet he’s even had to use his celebrity survivalist instincts and blag a free meal at Gordon Ramsay’s or something.”
The similarly oppressed British Airways staff have also pledged their support for Moyles, and have launched a “Feed Moyles or we’ll strike” Facebook group within three minutes of the outburst.